Holding On Read online

  I blushed. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I cleared my throat and turned to my family. “So, um…what next?”

  According to my sister, they’d been heading to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast, so Jeff and I tagged along.

  Jeff grabbed my wrist, pulling me back a little. I turned to him, eyebrows raised. He dropped his hand from my arm and I wished he hadn’t.

  “When do you want me to come back for you?”

  “What do you mean? Do you need to leave?” I asked.

  He looked at his feet and shuffled them, obviously unsure of his place.

  “Hey.” I grabbed his shoulder. “I want you to stay.”

  A shy smile pulled at his lips as he blushed. “Yeah?”

  Damn, he’s cute! I skipped over that thought and squeezed his shoulder. “You’re the only reason I made it through last night. And this morning. I’d like you to stay, but I understand if you have plans and need to leave. I can take a cab home…” Fuck. Can I even go home?

  “I want to stay. I can help with your sister, run errands, do whatever you or your grandparents need.” He stopped talking, focusing on my furrowed brow. “What?”

  “I just realized I may not be able to go home. I mean, isn’t it a crime scene?”

  Jeff thought about that for a minute. “I think you’re right. When I went in this morning, there was yellow tape across the front door and they have wood nailed across the open window. I didn’t see any signs saying not to enter, but I bet there is one somewhere.”

  “How did you get in?”

  His lips curved up. “Your back window.”

  I laughed. The window in my room was how I used to sneak out and meet him to hang out after my curfew. The lock was broken, but I’d never told my mom or dad. I probably should have, but hell, I was able to sneak out too many times to count and it was always worth it.

  We entered the cafeteria and joined my family at a table, then made small talk for a few minutes. I sensed my grandparents needed to talk to me, but didn’t want Pamela to hear.

  Apparently, Jeff picked up on it, too, and spoke up. “Hey, Pammy-Lammy!”

  She glared at him and tried to look mad. She always pretended to hate the nickname he gave her years ago, but I knew she secretly loved it. I think she even had a crush on Jeff. Sometimes she followed him around like a puppy dog, but he was always kind to her—like an older brother.

  “Yeah, you!” he said, looking right at her, wiggling his eyebrows.

  She giggled and gave up the glare.

  “That’s better,” he said. “Come show me where I can find some ice cream.”

  Her eyes widened. “Ice cream? It’s morning, silly!”

  “That’s perfect! I like to eat dessert first.” His eyes twinkled at her and she jumped up, giggling.

  She grabbed his hand and pulled him along with her. He turned back and held up five fingers, flashing it twice. I got the message—he’d stall for ten minutes.

  “Your boyfriend is an amazing young man,” my grandma said.

  “Yes, he is.” A sigh slipped from my lips as I watched his retreating back. How had I not noticed how nice he looked in those jeans? They hugged his ass perfectly.

  Wait, what did she say?

  I snapped my head around to face her. “Oh, Jeff’s not my boyfriend. He’s my best friend. He’s…” I shut up as she looked at me with those eyes. “Well, he’s not.”

  “Boyfriend, friend, whatever,” Grandpa said. “He’s great. But I saw how he looks at you and you’re an idiot if you don’t see it.” Direct and to the point. Back in the sixties, he’d had a good friend who’d been bullied and attacked for years because he was gay. His friend had killed himself when he couldn’t take it anymore. Grandpa had been a champion of LGBTQ rights ever since. It pissed off my dad something fierce.

  But I was surprised he seemed to know about me. “How…how do you know? I haven’t even told Mom,” I whispered.

  They exchanged those knowing glances that only people who’ve spent their lives together could share. I shrugged. It was out. I wasn’t going to deny it. Now wasn’t the time, anyway.

  “So, what’s going on?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “We need to make some plans.” Grandpa began.

  I nodded, waiting for him to continue, but Grandma started talking instead. “The doctor thinks your mom will be here at least a week, possibly up to two. They had to do a lot of repair work in her abdomen and they’re keeping an eye on her for infection. Her nose is broken, as well as several ribs and right ankle. Her left wrist is broken, but seems to be the least of her issues. Her eyes are still swollen, but the swelling is going down some. Once it does, they’ll have a better idea of possible damage to her sight. Her kidneys are bruised, as well.” Grandma had let it all come out in a rush, as if afraid Pamela would return before she could finish.

  Grandpa placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. “What we’re saying is that your mom is going to need several months to heal. Once she passes the danger zone, she’ll need ‘round-the-clock care. We want to take her home with us, as well as you and Pamela, for the time being.”

  Live with them? I hadn’t even thought about the possibility.

  “What about our house?” I asked.

  “We thought we could get it fixed up,” he said. “And when your mom is well enough to live on her own, she’ll still have the home for the three of you, if it’s what she wants. Once the divorce is final, she may decide she wants to move closer to us…we still have a lot to discuss. We’re just here to support all of you.”

  “Divorce?”

  “We’re assuming that’s what she’ll want, honey,” Grandma said, patting my hand.

  I had no idea why it surprised me. In fact, I realized I hadn’t even given much thought to my father. “Have we heard anything about…about him?” I couldn’t bring myself to even say the word “dad.” He didn’t deserve that title anymore.

  They looked at each other again, as if debating whether to tell me what they knew.

  “I’m eighteen, guys. I can handle it.”

  Grandpa sighed. “You’re right. You’re practically a man. Actually, you’re more of a man than your father has ever been.”

  Grandma wiped at her eyes. “Yes. Yes, you are.”

  “A detective stopped by this morning. They’re waiting for your mother to wake up, so they can interview her, but he said it wouldn’t matter. You and Jeff both saw him…” He clutched my grandma’s hand before he picked back up. “You both saw him beating her and Pamela filled them in on the beginning of the ‘domestic incident,’ as the detective called it.”

  “What started it?” I asked, vaguely remembering that question being asked last night. I was pretty sure Pamela had answered, but I couldn’t remember what she’d said.

  “Pamela said he was upset because the toaster broke and only toasted one side of his bread.”

  I nodded. Yeah, that sounded like him. “So he’s in jail, right?”

  “Yes,” Grandpa said. “Once he sobered up and the hospital staff checked him over, they transferred him there. They’re charging him with attempted murder and several other lesser charges. They’re asking for a two-point-five million dollar bond.”

  “Whoa…that should keep him in there,” I said.

  I sat quietly, letting everything settle in my mind. I didn’t know what to think or feel about anything at the moment. My body still felt numb after last night. God, it had been horrific, yet Jeff had been amazing. I wasn’t sure I’d know how to handle walking into someone’s family nightmare like he did.

  I looked around the mostly empty cafeteria in search of him. I needed my friend, but I didn’t see him anywhere. Panic bubbled up in my chest until I saw him stroll around the corner, Pamela at his side, chatting up a storm. His gaze landed on me and my stomach fluttered. He smiled and I immediately settled down.

  We soon decided we’d given the doctor enough time, so we headed upstairs. On the elevator, Grandpa bro
ught up the new living arrangements.

  Jeff shot me a look of surprise. I guessed he hadn’t thought it through either. “But what about your job, Aaron? Plus, graduation is in a couple of months! And what about us—I mean your…your friends?”

  “You have a job?” Grandpa asked, turning to me. “Why didn’t you mention it?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “Yes. It’s at the movie theater. I’m saving up for college.”

  Grandpa beamed. “Very commendable, young man,” he said, clapping his hand on my shoulder.

  “You could stay with me!” Jeff blurted.

  We all turned to him.

  “No, really! That way you can still work, be near your friends, and finish school. You can also keep an eye on the house.”

  Grandpa mulled it over. “That seems like a good plan, son. Even if your mom doesn’t want to keep the house, we’re going to have a lot of repair work. It would be helpful to have someone nearby to meet with contractors. What do you think, Aaron?”

  I eagerly agreed. I knew if I stayed at my grandparents, I’d have to either sleep on the sofa or share a room with Pamela. They’d moved to a much smaller home recently, calling it “downsizing.”

  “Do you think your mom would let me?” I asked Jeff.

  He beamed. “Of course…or at least, I think so. I’d better call and check.”

  As we moved down the hall, he headed the other way to phone his mom.

  I followed my grandparents into a room and held my breath at the sight before me. Mom was black and blue almost everywhere. Her face was almost unrecognizable and she had a tube up her nose and an IV in her arm. I held back a gasp and made my way to the side of the bed. I wanted to hold her hand, but I wasn’t sure where I could touch her without hurting her.

  Grandma must have sensed my concern, because she gently placed my hand on my mother’s arm. “Don’t squeeze. Just keep your hand there so she can feel the warmth.”

  I nodded and looked back at my mom. Her eyes fluttered open, as wide as the swelling would allow. But she closed them almost immediately. I hoped she would wake up again, but as the minutes ticked by, she remained asleep.

  A nurse who entered to check on her vitals said they’d given her powerful drugs to sedate her. “Sleep is one of the best things to help heal a body.”

  Soon, Jeff joined us. “My mom’s good with the plan, so we should discuss getting what we need from your house.”

  “You guys should take off, Aaron,” Grandpa said. “She’ll most likely sleep until tomorrow. No reason for all of us to stay here.”

  Jeff looked at me, waiting for me to decide. I agreed that sitting there just made me more depressed. “What about Pamela?”

  “I was thinking of taking her with me to pick up some clothes and necessities from my house and coming back to the hotel to swim,” Grandma explained. “We’ve decided to stay at the hotel for the next week or so while your mom’s in the hospital.”

  “I get to stay with you guys, right?” Pamela asked, looking up from the book she’d been reading.

  “That’s right, sweetheart! Do you want to go with me to pick up some things we need?”

  “Yes!” Pamela jumped up, clearly eager to get out of the room. I didn’t blame her. It was hard being here, just sitting and waiting.

  “Okay, then, how about we get going?” Grandma asked.

  “What about my swimsuit? It’s at our house.”

  I looked at Jeff and remembered how he’d snuck in and retrieved my things. “Jeff and I can grab whatever you want, Pamela. Why don’t you text me a list?”

  She stared at me a moment, thinking it over, then got busy on her phone.

  I waited for my grandparents to mention I shouldn’t go into the house, but no warning came. Maybe they weren’t thinking clearly about it being a crime scene. I certainly wasn’t going to remind them.

  “Great idea, Aaron,” Grandpa said. “Why don’t I stick around for a while and you all go run your errands? Like the doctor said, she’ll most likely sleep until tomorrow. If anything happens, I’ll give everyone a call. Aaron, there’s no reason for you to come back today. There’s nothing you can do here.”

  I nodded, then told Pamela to text me when they got back to town and I’d run things over to the hotel. I took a last look at my mom before I left.

  Jeff and I didn’t say anything as we exited the hospital. In fact, we didn’t say anything the entire ride to my neighborhood. After I received Pamela’s text of items, I glanced at Jeff several times, but he seemed lost in thought. He had a nice profile, long eyelashes, a strong, straight nose, full lips, and a surprisingly sturdy jawline. He wore a day or two’s worth of beard, which I found intriguing. I vaguely remembered feeling some light stubble on my neck last night when he’d pulled me close.

  “Crap, Aaron! Do I have something on my face?”

  Startled, I jumped in my seat before he started laughing.

  “Sorry, dude. I wasn’t trying to scare you.”

  “That’s okay. I…I guess I was just zoning.” Damn! What the hell is wrong with me? All of a sudden, I was noticing Jeff in a whole new light. But if I really analyzed things, I’d have to admit I’d always felt a pull toward him. Was it stronger because I found out he was in love with someone and I was jealous? And did he really say he loved me this morning?

  “Dude, you’re doing it again! You’re giving me a complex.”

  I blinked and turned toward the window. “Yeah, like I was looking at your ugly mug.” I laughed also, hoping I could play it off.

  “Who you calling ugly, ugly?” he shot back.

  It was good to laugh with him. No matter my confusion about my life right then, Jeff remained my best friend and I hoped he always would be.

  A few minutes later, we pulled into the driveway and I gazed at the yellow police tape tacked across my door. Like Jeff had said, an old piece of wood now covered the living room window. It seemed almost strange to look at the medium-sized red brick ranch, knowing what had happened last night. Nothing else appeared different. Whoever had cleaned up the mess—the crime scene—had done an incredible job. Other than the crushed, dried grass where the television had landed, I found no telltale signs something horrific had happened here.

  This was the only home I’d ever known, and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to come back again. Images of my father kicking my mom flashed through my mind and I froze, the familiar panic bubbling up in my chest as I fought against the fear. This wasn’t the time to give in. I tried focusing on my feet, my hands, anything but the house, but it wasn’t working. My chest tightened and my lungs became painful as I held my breath, unable to move.

  “Hey, why don’t I just go in and get everything for you,” Jeff offered as he squeezed my arm.

  And just like that, my breath came out in a hard whoosh, bringing sweet relief to my lungs. I shook my head. I needed to face this and go in. If I couldn’t handle this, then my father had won. Straightening my shoulders, I opened door of the cab and climbed out. Funny, but I could almost feel Jeff’s admiration as he watched me.

  We made our way around the side of the house, jumped the fence—since the gate was always stuck—and walked to my bedroom window.

  Having done this more times than I could count, I easily slipped off the screen and opened the window before hoisting myself up, diving through and rolling onto my bed. Jeff followed, and we sat for a minute in silence as a fresh wave of tears begin to fall from my eyes. Memories of last night bombarded me, ensnaring me in a swirling vortex of fear and anger. Isn’t a home supposed to be a safe place?

  “Shit!” I slammed my fist against the wall.

  “It’s okay—”

  I waved my arm, cutting him off. “No, it’s not! This is not fucking okay,” I spat. “My father is an ass and now, because I was too much of a coward to stand up to him, he almost killed my mom!” I jumped off the bed and paced my room. “I should have stood up to
him years ago. I should have killed him last night! This is my fault, Jeff!” Tears poured down my cheeks as I slumped onto my knees, sitting back on my heels. “I did this!”

  He moved lightning fast and enveloped me in his arms. My chest heaved with each new sob that broke through and I felt like I was drowning. Jeff stroked my hair and he held me tight as he murmured. I couldn’t make out what he said, but it didn’t matter. His touch, his tone, and his confidence grounded me.

  I leaned into his chest and breathed him in, the episode passing. “You don’t smell like you.”

  “What?”

  “I mean…fuck…I mean, you smell different. You still smell like you, but different. Different body wash. I noticed it in the shower.”

  He chuckled, and the vibrations spread through me. “You noticed that?”

  “Um, yeah. Sorry. Is that weird?” He probably thought I was a freak.

  “My mom picked up a different kind at the store, but I told her I don’t like it. You don’t like it either?”

  “Not really. As I said, it doesn’t smell like…you.”

  “Then let’s get the right stuff today.”

  I nodded into his chest, not really wanting to pull away. Was it weird I wanted to stay in his arms? If he wasn’t going to say so, I certainly wasn’t. But God, it felt so good. Like really good. Like “now just lean down and kiss me” kind of good. Like “run your hands through my hair and pull me into your lap” kind of good.

  Fuck. I was in trouble. Funny that my body had figured it out before my head or my heart. But yes, there it was. My gut tingled and my cock twitched in my pants. I yanked away, afraid Jeff might sense the change in me.

  His brow furrowed. “Do you think you can do this? Seriously, Aaron, I can do it instead.”

  Sighing, I glanced at the window. The sun shone bright and a light wind blew through the trees in the backyard. The world beckoned me, and being in there only prolonged my new future. My gaze slid to Jeff. We were so close I could see the darker ring that edged his soft blue eyes.

  “Ready?” he asked.

  Nodding, I tore away my gaze and my face heated. “Um, yeah. Let’s get this done.”

  Jeff grinned, and as soon as we started, I found I was in no mood to linger. We filled several gym bags and two small suitcases with clothes, books, electronics…anything I could think of needing over the next couple of months. I had no desire to come back to the house unless absolutely necessary.