Holding On Read online

  Jeff explained where we needed to go. I tried to focus, but barely heard him. For some reason, his pale blue eyes mesmerized me. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to.

  “Aaron?”

  I shook my head and tried to pay attention. “Yeah?”

  “You okay?”

  Was I okay? That was a loaded question. I wasn’t sure if my mom was going to live, my dad was being arrested, my house was in shambles, and my sister was possibly in shock. Yet, all I could focus on was a pair of icy blue eyes. I shrugged and looked down. Sure, I’m okay, I thought as tears burned my eyes. Everything was just peachy.

  Jeff seemed to understand. “Follow me.” He took us through a couple of hallways until we reached another waiting room. It was smaller than the first one and had a couple of brown sofas back-to-back in the middle, while chairs lined three of the walls. A large fish tank occupied most of the space on the fourth wall, a water cooler next to it.

  At first I didn’t see anyone else, but Officer Dyer had been right. My grandparents had arrived before us. Before I knew what was happening, they were enveloping us in a huge family hug. Pamela lost it and began sobbing. I remained stoic, though, and held back the tears. Now wasn’t the time.

  We all found seats and collapsed as the weight of the situation settled upon us. Jeff stayed with me and was nothing short of amazing. He kept busy getting us drinks, asking if anyone needed anything, and just being there to listen. My grandparents loved him, but then again, they always had.

  * * * *

  After a tense hour, the surgeon finally came through those double doors, smiling. My grandma started weeping with relief before he even spoke.

  I listened, I really did, but I made out only about every other word. Something about “doing well,” “sleeping,” and “come back tomorrow.” We couldn’t see her yet, but my grandparents were smiling, so I knew it was going to be okay.

  Grandma and Grandpa decided to stay at the nearby Hampton Inn for the night instead of making the forty-five minute drive back home. Pamela and I would stay with them, but I wasn’t looking forward to all four of us in a cramped hotel room.

  Jeff grabbed my arm, pulling me aside. “Stay at my house,” he whispered.

  I looked up at him. That was the best idea I’d heard all day. I’d stayed at his house all the time, so much so that I even had my own toothbrush there.

  I smiled, albeit weakly, and nodded.

  “Great. I’ll call my mom. She told me to invite you and Pamela. Oh, crap! I meant to invite your sister.”

  I looked at the bear hug my grandma had on my sister and knew there was no way they were letting go of her tonight. “Nah, she’ll want to stay with them, anyway.”

  I told my grandparents the plan and they seemed fine with it. We all agreed to be back here in the morning. After a round of hugs from everyone, I followed Jeff through the halls and out the large glass automatic doors.

  I was so tired, I thought I would collapse, and I know I drifted in and out of sleep through the drive to Jeff’s house.

  I vaguely remember his mother, Judy, meeting us at the door and pulling me into a hug. I think she might have even gently shoved me up the stairs, but I could have been hallucinating by that point. I saw everything going on, but it seemed like it was all happening far away. My body was moving, yet I felt like I was walking through quicksand. By then, I had somehow disconnected myself from the night. I had to. I had spent my evening trying to be strong for my sister. Strong for my mother. Strong for my grandparents. But I wasn’t strong. I was weak.

  I soon found myself sitting on the edge of Jeff’s bed, where I’d slept so many times. He stood in front of me and raised my arms, then pulled my shirt over my head. Oh, yeah. I was still wearing my uniform, I realized. I tried to unbuckle my belt, but my fingers wouldn’t work.

  Jeff brushed away my hands. “Aaron, let me.”

  I looked up at him. His voice was soft. So kind. Had I ever noticed that before? He tugged the pants off me, leaving me in my boxer briefs. My shoes were already off. I had no memory of that and wondered if maybe I was in shock, too.

  Jeff disappeared. I felt panicky and called his name.

  He ran in with an extra blanket. “I’m here. I’m here. You feel a little cold, so I got you another blanket. It’s the soft one you like to use when you’re here.”

  A smile tugged at my lips. He was right, I did like that blanket. I decided I had better use the bathroom before I went to bed and headed across the hall. By the time I got back to the room, Jeff had pulled back the blankets on his queen-sized mattress.

  “Come on, time for bed.”

  “Thanks…I…thanks.” I yearned to tell him what it meant to me that he was here to help me through this, but I couldn’t articulate my thoughts.

  As soon as I got into bed, he actually tucked me in. I was too tired to give him a hard time about that. My best friend had turned into a mother hen.

  He flicked off the lights, covering the room in darkness. The mattress sank a little when he climbed in and I started to drift off.

  Suddenly, a crash jolted me awake. I sat up straight, screaming.

  “Hey, Aaron…it was the damn cat. I’m so sorry. He knocked a book off my dresser. It’s okay. Hey, don’t cry.” He wiped tears from my cheek. I hadn’t even been aware I was crying.

  But then those tears turned to gut-wrenching, heaving sobs. My whole body shook as I cried out. I was lost. I was alone. I was in a swirling vortex of pain and blood and broken bones and all I could see was my dad kicking my mom over and over. “Stop! Stop!” I cried.

  Unexpectedly, Jeff pulled me close, his arms wrapped tightly around me. “I’m here. You go ahead and cry if you want. I’m here.”

  I clung to those whispers. I clung to him. I clung to the chance that my world was not completely destroyed.

  He pulled me down to the mattress and settled me on my side, his arm under my head on the pillow. Then he held me tightly, spooning me, as his other hand stroked my hair. His bare torso pressed against my back and his soft, crinkly chest hair rubbed against my skin. It was…nice. The last thing I remembered was his warm breath on the back of my neck as he whispered, “I’m here, baby. It’s okay. I’m here for you. Go to sleep.”

  Baby?

  * * * *

  Surprisingly, I slept through the night. Even more surprising was that it was a deep, rejuvenating sleep with no nightmares in sight. Usually when my dad had an episode, I shook in fear for hours. Not this time, though. The blended scents of freshly brewed coffee and warm cinnamon rolls filled the air and I turned over to shake Jeff awake, finding instead an empty space in the bed. Odd, he never woke up before me when I spent the night. He usually liked to sleep as late as possible.

  I got up and looked around for my uniform. I needed to dress and get to the hospital as soon as possible. In the chaos of last night, I had not thought to grab anything extra to wear. My work clothes were nowhere to be found, however. Instead, I saw a stack of my clothes folded neatly on Jeff’s desk. He must have gone to my house early this morning.

  I smiled. Leave it to Jeff to think of the important things. He really was the best friend I could ever ask for.

  Desperate for a shower, I crossed the hall and entered the bathroom. I jumped in and borrowed his body wash and shampoo, which I had done countless times over the years. Something was different, though. I had never given much thought about it before, but I realized the body wash was a different brand. It didn’t smell like…well, like Jeff. Weird that would bother me.

  I shook off the thought and finished rinsing. I toweled myself dry and dressed before heading downstairs to the kitchen. My stomach growled and I craved those cinnamon rolls. I also wanted to get to the hospital and see my mom. Besides, Jeff didn’t need to have his weekend ruined by driving me everywhere. He had done enough. I needed to get my car running again.

  Lost in thought, I didn’t hear the voices until I neared the kitchen.

  “Mom, it was so
awful. I knew his dad had anger issues, but I had no idea how bad it was. How do I make this better for Aaron?” Jeff’s voice sounded rough. Almost like he’d been crying.

  “Honey, the only thing you can do is be there for him. Aaron will get through this. He is a strong young man. Clearly, he has shouldered a lot of pain, and unfortunately, he’ll be dealing with a lot more for some time to come.”

  “I know, Mom. I just…I just love him so much,” he exclaimed, anguished.

  I froze. Love? Surely he meant as a brother, a best friend. I mean, Jeff wasn’t gay, right?

  “I know you do, Jeff. Just be there for him. He’s going to need you.” She paused. “Had you even had a chance to talk to him before any of this happened?”

  “No. I mean, I told him I needed to talk and he guessed part of it…but then this happened. I don’t think it’s the right time to tell him.” Jeff let out a deep, long sigh. “What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, Mom?”

  “Stop it! Aaron will be your friend no matter what!” She paused again and I wondered what she was doing. “But I agree with you on the timing, honey. He has a lot on his plate this weekend. Let him get through this before you throw anything more at him. Not that I think he will be upset. It’s just, he’s dealing with so much. You’ll know when it’s the right time.”

  Why would he think I wouldn’t want to be his friend just because he was in love with someone?

  A chair scraped against the floor, someone getting up from the table. The sound of plates being pulled from the cabinet told me she was ready to serve breakfast.

  “Honey, why don’t you go check on Aaron?”

  “Yeah, okay.” Another chair moved across the floor.

  I hightailed it back to the stairs and hastily tiptoed up halfway before I turned, pretending I was just heading down. I heard his footsteps on the wooden floor as he made his way toward me.

  I tensed, watched him come around the corner, and stop at the bottom of the stairs. I didn’t want him to know I’d heard him talking with his mom, but I felt the heat on my face and my heart racing. Hoping he couldn’t tell, I quickly pasted on a smile.

  “Hey,” he said, surprise in his eyes, “I was just coming up to get you.”

  “Yeah, I woke up a little bit ago and took a shower.”

  We eyed each other. He, obviously trying to determine if I had heard anything, and me, trying to pretend I hadn’t.

  “Thanks for the clothes, too. That was really great of you.” I was genuinely grateful.

  “No problem. I wanted to make sure you had something to wear besides your ugly uniform.” He made a face and shuddered.

  I laughed. “Hey, you have one, too.”

  And just like that, the tension vanished. So what if he said he loved me? He just meant as a friend who was worried about me. Besides, he had practically told me last night he was in love with some girl. That memory put a quick damper on my mood and I frowned. Why should that bother me? Shit, I was losing my mind.

  I followed him into the kitchen and his mom pulled me in for a tight, full-body hug and kissed the top of my head.

  “I hope you’re hungry,” she said as she stepped back to look me in the eyes. “I got a little carried away.”

  “Starving,” I told her and the corners of her mouth curved up.

  I joined Jeff at the table and we scarfed down several cinnamon rolls. He drank coffee, while I poured myself a glass of milk instead. He and his mom gave me updates. My grandma had called earlier and spoke with Mrs. Leaton. They were already at the hospital with Pamela and my mom was stable, but still unconscious.

  I was eager to get going, so Jeff and I headed out right after breakfast—after Judy gave me one more big hug. She seemed intent on hugging me as often as possible.

  We headed out of his subdivision, listening to Walk the Moon, one of our favorite groups. I stared out the window as we drove, wondering if my mom was even aware she was in a hospital. I glanced at Jeff and realized he was blushing. Maybe he felt weird about last night. I had been pretty out of it, but I still remember him holding me in his arms, and I was pretty positive he had called me “baby.” I wanted to tell him it was okay. That it helped. God, it helped more than he knew. I felt so safe. But after dealing with my crazy dad, Jeff probably couldn’t wait to get away from me. I hated to find out what he must think of me now.

  “Hey, thanks for taking me to get my car, dude.”

  He looked at me strangely. “I’m taking you to the hospital. There is no way you can drive your car. It’s pretty messed up now.”

  “Are you serious?” I was shocked. I had no idea. “The glass shards did that much damage? Was it the windshield?” That wouldn’t be too awful. I could afford to fix that.

  He avoided my eyes and turned back to the road. “Um, not exactly. I mean, yeah the glass scratched up your car, and probably your windshield, too, but—”

  “Probably?” I snapped, irritation getting the better of me. “What happened to my damn car?”

  He sighed, and I could tell his news would be bad. Really, really bad.

  “Look, I don’t want to add to your stress when you already have so much going on…”

  My mind went to the conversation I’d overheard this morning. Yeah, I did have a lot going on. But I still needed to know about my Saturn. The piece of junk everyone trash-talked, but I really loved.

  “Well, apparently, after we left, the firetruck was backing up to make room for the crime scene people…well…here’s the deal…apparently they hit the streetlamp.” He stopped at the red light and looked at me, waiting for me to understand.

  I digested what I thought he was trying to tell me. “Are you saying the firetruck knocked the streetlamp onto my car?” I had to be wrong. But no, he nodded. He was saying my car was gone. Crushed. I held onto hope, though. “But, it’s repairable, right?”

  He shook his head. “They towed it away already. It’s trashed. I grabbed everything from the glove box, though.”

  My heart sank. What the hell was I going to do?

  A horn honked at us, and we glanced up to see the light had turned green. The driver behind us was not amused. Normally, I would have felt bad for not moving quickly enough, but this time I wanted to flip off the other driver. I was pissed enough already. I raised my hand to do just that.

  Jeff must have read my thoughts. “Don’t.” He grabbed my arm as he drove through the light.

  I jumped and pulled back my hand like I’d been burned. My skin tingled where he’d made contact. Heat spread through me and that pissed me off, too. But my dick didn’t care that I was in a bad mood and pressed against my zipper. “Damn,” I muttered.

  What the hell is wrong with me? My mom’s in the hospital, my dad tried to kill her, and I’m getting a hard-on for my best friend. I was so fucking screwed up.

  Jeff looked a little surprised at my reaction. I didn’t care. I was in a bad mood. My fucking life was falling apart. I didn’t want to deal with the intense sensations his touch had caused. But my body betrayed me. My damn cock throbbed, and all I could think about was how hot his skin had felt last night. Fuck! That pissed me off, too.

  * * * *

  By the time he dropped me off at the hospital entrance, the silence had stretched into five long minutes. I climbed out of the truck and mumbled “thanks” without looking at him. He didn’t say anything as I closed the door and turned to go into the hospital.

  I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I was really mixed up. How could I feel such an intense physical reaction to my best friend’s touch while my mom was lying in a hospital bed? Finding out Jeff was in love with some girl had surprised me, but it was also pissing me off. I wanted to fall in love, too. I wanted to tell him I found someone who loved me, someone who understood me, and that it was another guy. Not a girl. A guy. But I was a coward and couldn’t tell him. After last night, he probably thinks I’m a freak and our friendship is already over. I’ve lost him. My best friend gone. Before I even
found the courage to tell him the truth. I was such a fucking coward.

  I stopped to ask someone at the front desk where to find my mom’s room. As she gave me complicated directions, I wished I had paid more attention last night. At this rate, I wouldn’t get to her room until tomorrow.

  “Just follow the yellow arrows on the floor, Aaron.”

  Surprised, I turned to see Jeff sauntering in, a grin on his face. I assumed he had left. He brushed back his bangs before he threw his arm around my shoulders and winked down at me. “See, this is why I get better grades than you. I read the directions.”

  I couldn’t help it; I laughed. God, he always knew how to break down my walls.

  “Come on, I remember where to go.”

  I smiled as he pulled me along, his arm still around my shoulders. It felt nice, warm and secure. And hot. Seriously hot. My body reacted to his touch. I got hard again and my body tingled. Once again, I didn’t have time to analyze it, because we ran into my grandparents as they stepped out of the elevator. Jeff pulled away, stepping back as Pamela rocketed out of the sliding doors.

  “Aaron!” she cried and practically jumped into my arms. “Mom’s awake!”

  I hugged her and looked expectantly at my grandpa, his cheeks wet with tears. His lips quivered as his eyes crinkled, but he didn’t speak.

  Grandma pulled a tissue from her purse and gently wiped his face while she brought me up to speed. “Your mom woke up about twenty minutes ago, sweetie. She squeezed my hand and her eyes fluttered open. She tried to speak, but couldn’t. The doctor made us leave for a while so he could assess her.”

  Until a tear dripped from my cheek to my shirt, I wasn’t even aware I was crying, too. Mom was awake. She would be okay. I looked at Jeff and was surprised to see tears in his eyes, too. But he smiled that amazing smile and I felt it fall over me like a warm blanket. I found myself looking into those pale blue eyes for just a little too long. I watched his pupils grow and I couldn’t look away. His lashes were longer than I remembered. Had I ever noticed their fullness? He finally broke the gaze, sweeping his eyes to my grandparents, who were watching us.