Holding On Read online

  He nuzzled his face into my neck and I tingled all over. “Better,” he whispered.

  I remained still, fighting a losing battle with my body. His breathing had evened out so I knew he was asleep, but there was no way sleep was going to come easy to me then, even with the help of the Melatonin. Not after his actions had sent shivers down my spine. My body betrayed me and I became hard as a rock.

  I groaned when his hand fell from my waist and brushed against my cock. Instinctively, I pushed forward, then pulled back as soon as I realized what I was doing. It wasn’t right. My body and mind were waging a war and I was pretty sure I knew what I needed to do. God, it was all so confusing.

  In some ways, I felt ashamed. My mother was in the hospital and my sister was traumatized, but I could think only of how amazing it felt to be wrapped in Jeff’s arms. I needed to put some space between us.

  But first, I gave myself thirty seconds to revel in my pure happiness. I closed my eyes, breathed in, and smiled. God, he smelled good. It took all of my willpower, but I rolled away, letting his hand drop to the bed behind me. Jeff didn’t stir, but it was a long time before sleep finally found me.

  Chapter 4

  On the way to the hospital the next morning, my cell phone buzzed.

  “Hi. We’re on our way, Grandpa.” I listened to him give me the latest report. Basically nothing had changed. He suggested I stop off at the fire station first, then deposit the check.

  “You do have a checking account, don’t you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Grandpa, I have a checking account.” I wondered if grandparents always thought of grandchildren as children.

  Jeff laughed and I stuck out my tongue at him. Jeff stuck out his tongue at me, instantly making me rock-hard. All I could think of was tasting that tongue. Fuck! Pay attention to the phone.

  We pulled up to a stop sign and Jeff’s gaze returned to me. Heat spread across my cheeks. The voice on the phone got my attention again.

  “Yeah, sorry, Grandpa. I’m listening. Okay, we’ll do that,” I assured him before I pressed END.

  “We’ll do what?”

  “Pick up my check first.”

  Jeff thought it a great idea also, so he made a U-turn at the next light—an illegal one—and we headed to the station.

  When I was younger, I had thought about being a fireman, and probably under any other circumstances, I would’ve been thrilled to visit the station, talking with them. And yes, I had to admit, the idea of hot firemen gave me all kinds of jack-off material over the years. But the reality is always a little different than the fantasy.

  When we arrived, the bay doors lay open and we weren’t sure where to enter, so we stood outside in front of one of the red engines.

  “Hello?” I called, my voice echoing a little.

  Nothing.

  I looked at Jeff and shrugged before heading inside, Jeff close behind. The garage—or bay, whatever it was called—smelled of soap. The industrial kind. I glanced at the gleaming engine and wondered how often they washed it to keep it that shiny.

  “Hello,” I called again, hesitantly. Were we breaking in? Was this considered trespassing? I wasn’t sure and turned to ask Jeff just as an older, balding man with a hint of a beer belly stepped out. Yeah, the fantasy is definitely better than the reality.

  “Can I help you guys?”

  “Hi. Yes. I’m Aaron.”

  Hmm, nothing. Blank stare.

  I tried again. “Aaron Pickard?”

  Yeah, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I raised my eyes at Jeff, and he shook his head and offered me a small smile. I decided to ignore the heat that shot through me all the way to my toes.

  “His car was crushed” Jeff began. “He was told—”

  “Oh, you’re the kid! Too bad about the car. Real shame. I had a Saturn like that once and loved it. Good little car.”

  I shot an “I told you so” look over at Jeff. It was nice to have someone defend my piece-of-shit car for once.

  “Yeah, we…I mean, I’m supposed to pick up a check?”

  “Sure, in here, kid,” The fireman gestured for me to follow him through a door into the main building.

  Once inside, I heard the television going while several men talked over it. The place was pretty worn down, but clean. The floors literally shined. For the first time I understood the saying “so shiny I could see my reflection.” Something spicy must have been on the stove because the aroma filled the air and made my stomach grumble, even though I’d had breakfast not too long before.

  He pointed at the door at the end of the hall. “Larry’s in there. He’s the one that has the check. Just go on in. He’ll fix you up.”

  “Thanks.” I headed down the hall with Jeff on my heels.

  The door was open, but I still knocked.

  “Come in,” a deep, raspy voice called.

  I walked into the messiest office I had ever seen. A huge metal desk took up most of the space, while stacks of manila files and storage boxes full of even more files covered the floor, the desk, and the one chair arranged in front of the desk. I could’ve sworn I smelled pizza, but didn’t see one.

  When I finally finished scanning the tiny space, I let my gaze drift over the man behind the desk and inhaled sharply. Large and muscular with broad shoulders, he was poring over an open file. His short dark brown hair, mussed as if he had run his fingers through it several times, matched his carefully trimmed goatee. He looked like he’d been sculpted from marble. Holy shit! Now this was someone I could fantasize about.

  Jeff cleared his throat, and I jolted, swiveling around to glare at him. “What the hell?”

  He shrugged and faked a smile. I could tell he was mad, but I had no idea about what. I shook my head and turned back to the man at the desk.

  “Hey, guys. How can I help you?”

  Shit, even his voice was hot. Deep. Throaty. I kind of stared at him, forgetting why I was there. Jeff nudged me.

  “This is Aaron Pickard. He’s here to get his check.”

  The fireman rose, stretching out a beefy arm. I took his hand and tried not to wince at the strength in his grip.

  “Nice to meet you, Aaron. Sorry about the car.”

  Hmm, he didn’t seem to be sorry. In fact, he looked irritated that he had been interrupted. A cold feeling started in the pit of my stomach. Something was going on. I glanced at Jeff and noticed his eyes narrowing, as if he was trying to read the guy’s mind.

  “I’m Larry,” he introduced himself, gesturing with his arm for us to sit.

  We both glanced at the folders on the chair, then back at each other. Where were we supposed to sit? Jeff stood behind the chair and I carefully sat on the edge of the seat cushion so as not to knock anything. Larry took his seat and proceeded to look through a stack of papers. I fidgeted in the uncomfortable seat as the gnawing in my stomach grew.

  “Ah, found it,” Larry exclaimed as he triumphantly pulled out several pieces of paper stapled together. A check appeared to be paper-clipped to the top page. “Okay, before we do this, I need to go over a few things.”

  I nodded, swallowed hard.

  “Great. Okay, here’s the deal. I’ve reviewed the incident report and I believe the value you were quoted was greatly inflated.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked, knowing I wasn’t going to like the answer.

  Larry sighed, his facial expression showing he was clearly not happy I’d asked. “It means your check is only going to be three thousand, not five thousand.”

  “What the hell, man?” Jeff exclaimed as his hands clenched the back of my chair.

  Larry looked up, clearly surprised at the outburst.

  “Wait a minute,” I said as I patted Jeff’s arm to calm him. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know what the value of my car would have been.”

  Larry smiled.

  “But,” I continued, “I am out a car. From what I understand, your firemen knocked the light pole onto my Saturn, correct?”

  “Yes,
” Larry agreed with a smirk.

  “So you admit this was your fault?”

  “The department’s fault, yes.”

  “Okay, thanks.” I turned to Jeff. “Let’s go.”

  “Don’t you want your check?” Larry asked.

  I turned back, smiling politely. “No, thank you. I need to go talk with my grandpa. He’s a lawyer, and since I’m not sure about the laws, I’ll let him handle this.”

  Larry’s eyes widened and he stood. “Wait, wait…there’s no need to get a lawyer involved.”

  I pivoted and walked toward the door. “It’s really no problem. Actually, it might be better anyway. I mean, for all I know, my Saturn was worth more than five thousand.”

  “You know what,” Larry began, “this isn’t worth it. Hang on. I’ll be right back with your check. Your five-thousand dollar check.” He raced out the door and down the hall.

  Jeff’s jaw dropped. “Dude, you just handled him!”

  I smiled. “Yeah, I kinda did.”

  * * * *

  After a quick stop at the bank, we headed to the hospital. As I opened the door, I heard crying and my heart sped up. Jeff and I exchanged wary glances and I forced myself to move into the room.

  My grandparents stood on either side of the hospital bed and my sister clung to my grandma’s arm, tears running down her face.

  I peeked around my grandpa, stunned to see my mother sitting up, her eyes open. “Mom!” I cried and ran to her.

  Her lips curved into a partial smile and she slowly moved her gaze to me. She licked her lips and her mouth moved a little, but I couldn’t hear anything.

  “Honey, wait,” my grandpa said, “don’t push yourself to speak.”

  Hot tears sprang to my eyes as I watched her glance around the room. I beamed and let out a whoosh of air—I hadn’t even been aware I was holding my breath. My mom reached out her hands. Pamela grabbed one, while I took the other. She tried to squeeze, but I barely felt it. Yet I did feel it.

  “Mom, are you coming home now?” Pamela asked.

  I knew she couldn’t leave the hospital today, but felt sure it could be soon.

  “Honey,” Grandpa said, “your mom has a lot of healing to do. They said she can leave in a week or so, but will need to be with someone. She’s going to come home with us.”

  I wondered where that would leave my sister and me. I mean, staying with Jeff was short-term. What would happen when Mom actually left the hospital? But now that she was doing better, it was up to her, not my grandparents. I was close to graduating. I didn’t want to finish my senior year at another high school, but I also didn’t want to be selfish in the wake of all that she had been through. My grandparents seemed to understand, but would my mom? Maybe she would want me near her. Maybe I should be near her.

  “What about me?” Pamela asked, voicing both our concerns.

  “Oh, honey, of course you’ll come with us. You’ll get to finish the school year at a school near us. That way you’ll be with your mom.”

  Pamela seemed happy with that, but I wasn’t. I loved my mom and my sister, but I wanted to stay here. Was that selfish of me?

  “Aaron’s staying with me,” Jeff said from behind me.

  My mom looked at him, then back at me. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like I was being scrutinized. She finally nodded, giving me her blessing. I wiped away the tears that spilled onto my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what exactly the future held, but at least my mom was awake and I was going to graduate with my friends.

  Things were going to be okay. I was sure of it.

  * * * *

  The next few days became a blur as my mom was moved to another room and began rehabilitation at the hospital. I worked almost every day the rest of the week, and so did Jeff. When my manager found out my mom was in the hospital, he was cool about changing my schedule to match Jeff’s until I could get a new vehicle.

  Something was changing between my best friend and me. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on, but I would often find him staring at me while at work. He was also touching me more often, which I loved. I hadn’t really put a name to it, but I was falling hard for him. As weird as it seemed, it also felt so natural. I kept reminding myself he was straight and I was inventing things where there were none.

  Yet every night in bed, we ended up in the same position—spooning, my back against his chest, his arm around my waist. Many times I woke up to find our fingers entwined. His warm breath on my neck drove me crazy, and I often ached to turn in his arms and kiss him. I knew I was playing a dangerous game. I knew it was wrong. I knew he was straight. I knew it all and yet I still fell head over heels for him.

  My grandpa and I went looking for cars. It took a couple of days, but we finally found something I liked that I could afford, and Grandpa felt was a good, safe vehicle. I admit, I didn’t really know much about cars, so I deferred to him, but I liked my little black 1999 Honda Civic.

  As we were hanging out playing video games on Jeff’s PS4 the next afternoon, my phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Aaron?”

  “Yes…who is this?” The voice was vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it.

  “It’s Jon, Kevin’s cousin.”

  “Oh, yeah. What’s up?”

  Jeff was watching me and I mouthed “Jon” to him. His lips pressed into a thin, flat line and he paused the game, turning his attention to me.

  “I wanted to see if you were coming to Kevin’s birthday party tomorrow night.”

  God, in all the drama of the last week, I had forgotten about it. “Hang on a sec.” I muted my phone.

  Jeff was glaring at me. “What the hell does he want?”

  The anger in his voice took me aback. “He’s asking if we’re going to Kevin’s party.”

  “Us? Or you?”

  I had assumed Jon had meant us, but maybe he hadn’t. “Are we or not?”

  He grunted and I took that as a “yes.”

  I unclicked MUTE. “Yeah, we’ll be there.”

  “We?”

  “Jeff and I.”

  My best friend rolled his eyes and gave me an “I told you so” look.

  I blushed. “Okay, Jon, I’ll see there.” I hung up and grabbed my controller. “Let’s get back to the game.”

  “I don’t like that guy.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s got the hots for you.”

  I looked into his eyes. “Are you saying he shouldn’t? Are you surprised that a cute guy might like me?” Him being an ass irked me.

  His anger faltered for a moment before he pulled himself together. “That’s not what I was saying. I just…don’t like him.”

  “You’re being weird about this. If he wants to ask me out, he can. But he was just asking me about the party. It wasn’t anything like a date. Besides, you said you were in love with someone, remember? I don’t see you calling her and asking her to go with you.”

  He paled and looked at the television screen. “Whatever.”

  I won the next three games.

  * * * *

  I couldn’t decide what to wear to the party and was making myself crazy. Everything I owned I’d tossed onto Jeff’s bed. I wanted to look good because, well, this was going to be the first time I went to a get-together and people would know I was out. I wanted to feel confident. Even though I hadn’t told anyone other than Jeff—and clearly Jon knew—I wouldn’t deny it anymore. If Jon flirted with me, I’d flirt back.

  Jon was cute and clearly interested. Plus, I needed to get over my crush on Jeff before I ended up getting hurt.

  “Shit, just pick something, Aaron,” Jeff exclaimed as he entered the room after taking a shower and dressing.

  I glared at him. He obviously didn’t know this night’s importance for me.

  He picked up my stonewashed skinny jeans. “Wear these. They fit you nice. And the gray V-neck sweater.”

  My mouth gaped. Had he really just told me I l
ooked good in something?

  He laughed and patted my cheek. “Go get ready and let’s get this night over with.”

  “Gee, don’t sound so happy there, Jeff.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m sure you’ll be hanging with Jon. I’ll have nothing to do.”

  “I still don’t know why you’re so upset with him. He’s flirty, but not rude. He’s not really my type anyway.”

  Jeff stepped closer, his face inches from mine. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek. “What is your type, Aaron?”

  I swallowed hard. I couldn’t tell him or he’d know. My gaze darted around the room. “I was just kidding. I don’t…I don’t really have a type.” My voice quivered.

  “Everyone has a type.”

  “Oh, what does it matter?” I was getting hard, and if he didn’t move back, he would be able to tell. “Let me get ready and we’ll head on over. It’s going to be fun!”

  Jeff cocked his head and I could almost see the gears turning in his mind. He knew me well enough to realize I was avoiding the question. When he finally stepped back, relief flooded me. He watched me for a few seconds before heading out the door.

  “I’ll be waiting downstairs,” he whispered.

  I only nodded, not even sure if he saw me. Shit, this was getting difficult. I was so confused about my feelings. How had I let myself fall for my best friend? And while my mom was in the hospital—what was wrong with me?

  The thought of my mom brought on a pang of guilt, which spread through me. I hadn’t even seen her that day, and now I felt I really needed to. I threw on the clothes Jeff had recommended and headed downstairs, not even taking time to fix my hair.

  Jeff was sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of milk and some cookies his mom had set out for us. Chocolate chip. Just like my mom used to make all the time. Fear coiled through me as I stared at Jeff.

  He jumped up and quickly came around the table, placing his hands on my shoulders. “What’s wrong, Aaron? You’re white as a sheet. Breathe, okay?”

  I had no idea what was wrong with me. I shook my head. “I need to see my mom. Now. I have this…weird feeling.”