Holding On Read online

  I glanced up and my breath hitched. There before me stood a tall, gangly boy with curly dark brown hair and a pair of icy blue eyes staring right at me. He wore some pretty hideous glasses way too big for his face and I watched, fascinated, as he used his index finger to slide them up his nose. That’s when I noticed the smattering of freckles across his pale skin. Something primal, something I had never felt before, licked at my gut. I felt disoriented as we made eye contact. And if I needed a “Clue #3,” there it was.

  He broke our gaze and stared at his shoes. “Hi, I’m Jeff Leaton,” he sort of mumbled, shuffling his feet.

  “Aaron Pickard,” I offered, waiting for him to go on.

  “This is my first day.”

  Obviously, I thought, but didn’t want to make him feel stupid, so I said nothing.

  “Umm, are there assigned seats in here?”

  “Nope. Sit wherever you want.” I swept out my arm.

  He gave me a shy smile and slid into the desk next to me. The odd sensation in my gut intensified and I couldn’t take my eyes off his lips. They were so…perfect. They looked soft. I stared for a moment, forgetting myself before I caught what I was doing and tore away my gaze.

  I returned his shy smile and that was it. We were instant friends. Within weeks, we were best friends. Whatever I had felt at our first meeting had subsided and we bonded over our non-muscular frames, our love of soccer, all things Star Trek, and our desire to make good grades and go to college. We shared our hopes and dreams with each other, something I had never done with any of my previous friends. It was so easy to open up to him; I never felt the slightest bit of judgment or condescension no matter what I told him.

  But I didn’t share my big secret with him. I wasn’t ready to confront it myself, let alone talk about it with my best friend. Deep down in my heart, I thought he would be able to handle me being gay, but I just never felt ready to bring it up.

  Somehow the years had rolled by and I still hadn’t told him. I didn’t date anyone in high school and he would sometimes ask me why I never asked out a girl, but I let him think it was because I was too shy. It wasn’t a total lie—I was timid around people sometimes. But I wasn’t sure he totally bought it because I never acted apprehensive around girls—it was only boys I would be shy around.

  One day, I pointed out to him that he never dated either. He laughed and called us “The Two ‘Too Shy’ Musketeers.” Dorky, but it worked for us.

  Over the years, we spent more weekends together than I could count at his house, but I never reciprocated. Not even once. That was another big secret to hide. I was too ashamed to have him see how my dad treated us, although it was impossible to hide completely. Occasionally, Jeff would hang out at my house after school or for an evening if I knew my dad would be out, but I never invited him to sleep over. Nights were too unpredictable at my house. Jeff never asked me why I didn’t invite him to stay, which led me to believe he probably knew, but was too kind to bring it up. It had become an unspoken understanding between us.

  As I grew, my dad’s drinking intensified into a daily occurrence, and the abuse my mom suffered at his hands became harder for her to hide. I hated being home, but it also tore me up to leave my mom and sister alone with him. My dad had never been physical with me or my sister, but he had ratcheted up his verbal abuse each year until he was a master at it. He was famous for giving us a compliment that was really an insult. One of his personal favorites for me was “You look nice. Is that your sister’s shirt?” This was a dig at my small stature, and his way of telling me he thought I looked feminine. I think I handled it pretty well, but I was worried about my sister. He was destroying her self-confidence. I could see the pain in her eyes. I wondered why my mom stayed with him—surely she didn’t love him, did she? Truthfully, I wasn’t sure my mom had the ability to leave him. I believe, in her mind, she felt trapped.

  I tried to stick up for her a few times over the years, but she literally begged me to stop. She was so in fear he would kill me that she made me promise to let her handle it. There would come a day I would rescue my mom and sister and get them away from him. Deep in my heart, I was certain of this. It had become my mission. It was one of the reasons I worked so hard in school. I needed to get good grades and go to college so I could have a career that would allow me to take care of my family.

  My goal was growing closer. High school graduation was only two months away, then off to community college next fall. I would have loved to go away to college, like Jeff planned, but I couldn’t leave my mom alone…

  I sighed as my mind drifted back to the present just in time to see Russell Adams kiss Deidre again and squeeze her ass. Ugh, why did I have to see that? Why couldn’t he be attracted to men?

  “Aaron!”

  I watched as Deidre practically climbed onto Russell’s lap, grinding against him. Damn, where were the teachers? Did they have spring break fever, too? I watched a little longer, imagining it was me straddling those big, thick thighs…

  “Aaron? Are you okay?”

  I finally realized someone was speaking to me. Crap. It was Jeff. How long had he been here? Had he seen me staring at Russell?

  “Hey,” I offered, trying to act nonchalant.

  His eyebrows raised as he looked at me and slid into the seat on my right. “I’ve been saying your name for a whole minute, dude. What were you staring at?” He glanced around the lunch room before bringing his gaze back to mine.

  Had I ever noticed the blueness of his eyes? Icy blue. Surely I had noticed the darker flecks before, right?

  “Aaron?” Jeff quizzically cocked his head.

  What the hell was wrong with me today? “Sorry. Just tired. Uh, I was…was watching Deidre practically humping Russell over there.”

  Please believe me.

  He scanned the room until he saw them. “Oh, yeah, they’re putting on quite the show, aren’t they?” His cheeks pinked as he turned back to me. “So, you need a ride to work tonight? Or is your piece-of-shit car working?” One corner of his mouth quirked up as he watched for my reaction.

  “Ha-ha, funny man,” I replied, rolling my eyes. Making fun of my car was one of his favorite things to do. “My car is awesome and you know it. You’re just jealous!”

  He laughed. “Whatever, Aaron.”

  Unfortunately, he was kind of right. As much as I loved my 1995 Saturn, it was always breaking down. Last night it had died on me again. And God, did I hate admitting that. “But, uh, yeah…my car isn’t working,” I said sheepishly as I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes. “Can you give me a lift tonight?”

  He didn’t even try to hide his smirk. “Sure. Need a lift home from school, too?”

  “That’d be great.”

  Jeff and I had part-time jobs at the local movie theater. It was a fun job and we were able to see movies for free anytime we wanted, which we took advantage of as much as possible. It sucked that we almost always had to work Friday and Saturday nights, but at least we were together. This weekend we had to work only Friday, though.

  “Seriously, man, you need to look at another car,” Jeff began, jumping in with his weekly “get a new car” pitch.

  “I can’t,” I said, trying to tamp down the irritation in my voice. “You know that, Jeff. I have to save for college.”

  “I get it. But since I’ll be over two hours away at Central Kansas State University, what are you going to do if your car breaks down again?”

  My stomach did a little flip-flop I didn’t want to examine right then. The same thing always happened when he talked about college next fall. “Hey, pretty soon, when I have enough saved, I’ll put some of it into the car and get it fixed. Don’t worry about me.” I waved my hand.

  “But I do worry, Aaron,” he said, staring into my eyes. Huh…there went that flip-flop again.

  “Hi, Jeff! Got any plans tonight?”

  We both jumped at Lily’s question, our weird little moment broken. The petite redhead parked herself in the
seat directly in front of Jeff. Her lips were bright—almost neon—pink today. She had a collection of lipsticks that ran the gamut from peach to hot pink to red. I swear I saw her with deep purple lips the other day, too. She watched Jeff with her pretty green eyes as if she’d rather devour him for lunch instead of the pitiful peanut butter sandwich on her tray.

  “Uh, gotta work tonight,” he muttered, looking at his hands.

  I knew how much he hated when Lily cornered him. I wasn’t sure what he had against her. I mean, even I could tell she was cute. Good figure. Sweet. Not the brightest in our class, but she worked hard on her assignments. She’d made her interest in Jeff known over the last few months, but it was obvious he didn’t want to go out with her. I had tried to talk him into it for a few weeks until he shut me down. Said he liked someone else and to leave it at that.

  Of course, I couldn’t drop it, though. When I’d found out Jeff had a crush on someone, I was like a dog with a bone—determined to find out who had finally captured his attention. I had hounded him to tell me who he liked. Nope. He hadn’t budged.

  I knew his shyness, but I wished he would realize he wasn’t that gangly little guy with glasses anymore. No, he certainly was not, I thought, as I watched him talking politely, but stiltedly, to Lily. Last summer, he had grown several inches to at least six-four, if not an inch or two more. He had taken up working out and was more muscular than I had ever seen him. Not massive like Russell Adams, but he had definitely filled out. He kept his dark brown hair trimmed, but still shaggy enough that the ends curled around his ears and neck. I was secretly glad he kept some of the length. It fit him. Once he’d traded in his glasses for contact lenses and started shaving on a daily basis, well, let’s just say he was definitely not a geek anymore.

  Nope, definitely not.

  I felt Jeff’s thigh brush against mine and my eyes widened as I realized I had been staring at him. Fuck. That was twice in one day I had been caught staring at a man. And this was Jeff.

  My face heated as I cleared my throat. He was obviously asking me to bail him out. I tuned in just in time to catch Lily’s last words.

  “…so maybe when you get off, I could meet you there?” She twisted her hair with her fingers, and it looked like she was trying to puff out her lips. I didn’t understand why girls did that. What was sexy about duck lips?

  His leg pressed harder against mine and I finally jumped in. “Jeff, don’t forget, you promised your mom you would come straight home since you have to leave so early in the morning.”

  He turned to me with such relief, I almost laughed out loud. “Damn! I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.” He shrugged. “Sorry, Lily. Completely forgot I can’t go anywhere tonight.”

  She pouted and her shoulders slumped. “Okay. Maybe another time?” Her voice, though quieter, sounded hopeful.

  “Maybe…” he answered, his eyes on the table.

  She beamed as she grabbed her tray and headed to her normal table.

  Jeff blew out his breath as she left. “Thanks, Aaron.”

  I shrugged. “Seriously, Jeff, she is really into you. Why don’t you ask her out and get it over with?”

  He leaned his elbows on the table and let his head fall into his hands. “You know I’m not interested in her like that.”

  “Then who are you interested in?” I teased, knowing he wouldn’t tell me.

  He turned and glared at me. “Really? Again? I told you to drop it.”

  My smile widened. “You know I can’t do that. I have to make sure the girl my best friend picked is good enough for him!”

  His lips tugged into a reluctant smile. “I’m still not going to tell you.”

  “Fine,” I huffed, “then just give me a hint. Like, what color are her eyes?”

  He squinted, probably trying to decide if he should answer me or not.

  “Seriously? You can’t tell me the color of her eyes? If you really like her, then you should at least know that.”

  “Of course I know what color they are!”

  “Then what? You think I can figure out your secret crush? At most, it will just eliminate some of the girls.” I rolled my eyes. He was being so mysterious.

  “Fine,” he groaned, “I’ll give you the eye color, but that’s it!” Jeff sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, letting the longer locks fall from his fingers.

  I wondered if his hair felt as silky as it looked…wait, what? I shook my head, pushing the thought from my mind as I waited for his answer. In recent weeks, I had become fascinated by Jeff’s hair and had to constantly fight the urge to touch it.

  He closed his own eyes as if picturing hers and a little smile played on his lips. “They are brown and sort of golden with some flecks of green in them. I guess you would say hazel. They’re beautiful. Sometimes they look almost green, when the light hits them just right. And sometimes, when…when…she’s…concentrating or doing something intense, they look golden. Like honey.” His eyes fluttered open and he stared straight into mine. “Happy?”

  Damn. Not really. When he was talking about her, his voice was gentle, deep…like just thinking about her made him happy. I had never felt that way about anyone. Yeah, I lusted after Russell Adams, but so did half the school. Jeff spoke about someone he really cared about. Maybe even loved.

  My stomach rolled and I broke our gaze so I could stare at the table. “Yeah, got it. Hazel. Thanks,” I muttered as I grabbed my can of Dew and took a swig.

  The bell rang, signaling we had only five minutes to get to our next classes, so we dumped our trash into the large containers by the doors and headed into the hall.

  “Later,” I said, turning to go the opposite direction.

  “Hey, um, actually…” He looked at his feet for a second. “Um, can we talk after work tonight?”

  “Sure.” I cocked my head. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, uh, well, there’s just something I need to talk about.” Jeff looked everywhere but at me and seemed really nervous.

  I gripped his shoulder. “Sure. Whatever it is, don’t sweat it. Okay?”

  He grinned and nodded before we took off for our own classes. I slipped into the boy’s bathroom, pleased to find I was the only one in there. I hated when some of the guys hid out to skip class, although I had been guilty of it at least once. For some reason, the teachers never looked inside this bathroom.

  As I washed my hands with the school’s hideously floral soap, I checked myself in the mirror and sighed. While Jeff had been lucky enough to be over six-feet tall, I had stopped growing at five-eight. This year, I had cut my mass of dark blonde hair into something more stylish, and so far I liked it. Keeping it pretty short on the sides sure made it easy to dry and take care of in the morning. The top was a little longer and I combed it forward before tousling it and making it stand up a little. Honestly, it took me a few days to figure out how to style it.

  I straightened my shoulders. Yeah, I was never going to be ruggedly handsome, or even sexy. Petite. Lithe. Somewhat toned because Jeff dragged me out running about four mornings a week.

  Hazel eyes. Petite facial features. Dimples in both cheeks that I hated.

  The bell rang and I cursed for wasting time admiring myself in the mirror. Well, “critiquing” was probably a better word for it, but whatever. I was late to physics. Again. Crap. I pushed open the door and ran down the hall. Mr. Bracket hated tardiness.

  * * * *

  Hours later, I waited in the parking lot, leaning against Jeff’s old Chevy pickup, still upset about the damn detention Mr. Bracket had given me for the first day back after spring break. I kept an eye on the door for Jeff, and when he finally exited the building, he was walking with Kevin Mason. They were laughing about something, but when Jeff saw me, he waved. I waved back, nodding to Kevin.

  Jeff jogged to the truck. “Kevin just said he’s having a birthday get-together next week while we’re off for spring break. He’s turning eighteen. Want to go?”

  I grinned. “That
sounds like fun. It’s been a while since we all got to hang out,” I told him as we climbed into his truck.

  “Completely agree,” he said. He found his favorite playlist and turned up the music before we left.

  The main road leading from the high school was full of teenagers eager to get their spring break started. I was looking forward to it, too, but I kept wondering what Jeff wanted to talk about. Probably college. He had been trying to talk me into going to the same one for months now. I just couldn’t tell him why I couldn’t leave my mom or sister behind. Sometimes I felt guilty that I kept that part of my life private, but there were just some things a person couldn’t share.

  I watched the trail of cars behind us through the side view mirror as the kids began to turn off toward their homes. It was our senior year and I had grown up with most of the students in our class, but I wondered what it would be like after graduation. Would we all stay in touch? People drift apart. God, I hoped Jeff and I wouldn’t.

  I slid my gaze to him. He was mouthing the words to the music, not daring to let a sound escape his lips. Poor guy. He loved music, but couldn’t carry a tune. Jeff was the worst singer I had ever heard. Even the middle school choir teacher thought the same thing, letting him transfer out the second week of class. He just had no rhythm to speak of. He hadn’t done much better playing the oboe in band, but he’d tried so hard. I bit my cheek to keep from smiling too big.

  He didn’t seem too upset, so maybe whatever was on his mind wasn’t bad. Although, looking back over the last few weeks, he had seemed quieter. Almost shy sometimes when we hung out. I had chalked it up to senior stress, but maybe there was something else. Plus, he did have a crush on someone. Someone with hazel eyes.

  If a man talked about my eyes the way he had earlier, I think I would have melted. He obviously had it bad for someone. I tried to filter through the girls in our school, eliminating the ones I knew who had blue or brown eyes. Of course, to be honest, I didn’t really pay that much attention to girls’ eyes, for obvious reasons.