Holding On Page 16

  We stepped around the corner of the building where a green Dumpster sat behind a faded wooden fence. The sun had just started to set.

  “I’m scared,” Pamela said, looking at the parking lot.

  “I know. I am, too,” I admitted, my belly roiling.

  Her eyes widened. Wow, she looked like Mom. An awful lot. “You’re scared?”

  I almost smiled at her disbelief. Almost. “Yeah. I mean, not about our father. I hope we never have to deal with him again, but at least we know he can’t hurt us anymore. But I’m scared about our future.”

  “You could live with Grandma and Grandpa, too,” she offered hopefully.

  I shook my head. “I’m about to graduate and I have a job. Then hopefully I’ll be leaving for college.”

  Her chin quivered.

  I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. “I’m sorry Pamela.” She sniffled against my shirt. “I think Mom would want me to go to college. And, hey, I’ll stay with you guys during holidays and birthdays. And visit on some weekends, too.”

  She pulled back and looked at me warily. “You will? Promise?”

  “Promise. And I also promise to call at least once a week, okay? And you can text me or call me anytime.”

  Her lips curved into a small smile and she wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “Okay.”

  At the sound of footsteps, we glanced to see someone from the kitchen crew bringing out a bag of trash.

  “Sorry,” the guy muttered as he hurried past us.

  “No problem,” I told him, then looked at Pamela. “Ready to get back inside?”

  “Yeah. Grandma’s probably already worried. She’s a little overprotective.”

  “She’ll probably loosen up soon. She’s been through a lot, too,” I gently reminded her. “Just give her a little time.”

  She blew out her breath and wiped at her face again. “I will. Thanks.”

  I threw my arm over her shoulder and we soon rejoined everyone at the table.

  Chapter 8

  By the time we arrived at Jeff’s, it was late. We had run to my old house again to look for my earbuds, but unfortunately, hadn’t found them.

  “I’m beat,” I said to him. “I’m going to take a shower, then go to bed.”

  “Okay. I’m a little restless. I’m going to play on the PS4.”

  I tilted my head at him. “Restless, huh? Go call your guy,” I teased, even while I fought a sense of loss.

  He turned pale. “Stop! I’m not telling you who it is.”

  I laughed as I headed to the shower. I’d get it out of him sooner or later.

  Minutes later, once the water heated to my liking, I stepped under the spray and groaned. My muscles were so tight and the water felt like little knives slicing my skin. The bed at the hotel had sucked, and I’d tossed and turned each night. Stress probably hadn’t helped.

  Now, my hand automatically went to my dick while I closed my eyes. Jeff’s face came into view and my cock grew hard as a rock in seconds. I decided a little fantasy wouldn’t hurt anyone.

  The scene that popped into my head jarred me a little, but it probably shouldn’t have. Deep down, I’d always known I wanted to feel him inside me, behind me, bending me over, filling me.

  My heart raced and my hand moved faster as I imagined him spreading my ass and slicking up his fingers. Fuck, I wanted him to slide in. But I wasn’t stupid. I knew it would hurt, but I also knew without a doubt he would be gentle.

  I imagined his hands on my hips and him talking dirty like that time I’d heard him when standing outside the bathroom. Just like that, I shot all over the shower walls. I had to bite my lip to keep from calling his name. My legs felt shaky as I cleaned up and finished my shower, yet I couldn’t get the fantasy of Jeff fucking me out of my mind. My damn dick wouldn’t go down, either, and I hoped he wouldn’t see it. The last thing I needed to do was let him know I was falling for him. He already liked someone—actually loved someone—and I couldn’t lose him as my best friend. If that was all I was going to ever be to him, I would accept it.

  I wrapped the towel around my hips and entered Jeff’s room. Knowing he was playing video games, I dropped the towel while I rummaged in a drawer for boxers. At the sound of a gasp, I twirled around, embarrassed to see Jeff in the doorway. The boxers slipped from my hand and I stood there, frozen and naked.

  His dark eyes flashed and his gaze traveled my down body. I’m not sure why I didn’t turn around. When his eyes met mine, he licked his lips. I’d never seen him so intense, and something about the situation made my skin tingle everywhere and my dick throb.

  Jeff stepped toward me, arms outstretched, then stopped, color rushing to his cheeks, as if he realized what he was doing. “Sorry,” he said and hurried into the hall.

  I stood there, heart slamming against my rib cage, wanting to call him back. Tell him to keep walking toward me. Keep looking at me like that. I’d never felt more confused. Yet, when he’d looked at me, when his eyes had skimmed my body, I’d felt sexy. Powerful. Had I seen desire in his eyes? Did he want me?

  Trembling, I picked up my boxers and slipped them on. I was so hard, it was almost painful. The way he’d looked at me made me ache. Why had he started toward me? I shook my head. It had been a long day. Trying to sort this out wouldn’t help anything right now.

  I turned out the lights, then crawled into bed, my hair still damp, and curled on my side, pulling up the covers. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t stop seeing Jeff’s face in my mind, though, which just made me throb more. My balls tightened, and if I didn’t stop thinking about my best friend, I’d come in my boxers. Besides, I could have been wrong. Maybe seeing me naked stunned and embarrassed him. I was probably making a mountain out of a molehill.

  My mom used to say that phrase to me all the time, and I smiled in the dark. I missed her, but I knew, in some ways, she would always be with me.

  Yawning, I reached for my phone on the nightstand and sent Pamela a quick text.

  Me: Night. Love you.

  Pamela: Love u 2.

  I was heading back to school in the morning and I was pretty sure the teenage rumor mill had passed along the news about me coming out. Tomorrow would be interesting, but I was too tired to worry, though.

  When the bed dipped from Jeff’s weight, my eyes fluttered open. I froze, unsure if I should let him know I was awake.

  He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close, and I closed my eyes, reveling in the way his chest pressed against my back. I loved our skin touching and the way his chest hair crinkled against me.

  I wiggled my ass, and he pulled my hips closer to spoon. When his hard dick pressed against my ass, I shivered.

  “Jeff? What’s your type, the kind of guy you’re attracted to? Like the guy you have a crush on.” The guy you love. My voice sounded loud in the silence of the night.

  “Well, he has hazel eyes.”

  “I know that,” I huffed out, irritated at his attempt to stall. “What else?”

  He sighed and the heat of his breath blew across my neck. I trembled and leaned into him.

  “Dimples. Light hair.”

  “Blond?”

  “Not like bleach blond, but a dark blond. He’s not too short and not too tall.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Way to give specifics.”

  “Well, how tall are you?”

  “Why?”

  “He’s about your height.”

  “Five-eight,” I answered.

  “So, he’s about five-eight. And really cute. Wait, not just cute. He’s sexy, too.”

  I pushed away the jealousy as I listened to him describe his crush. I hated the guy immediately, even though I knew it was wrong to feel that way. “Does he attend our school?”

  The silence stretched between us and I had about given up hope he’d answer when he finally spoke. “Yes, but that’s all I’m going to tell you.”

  My mind did an inventory of the guys at our school, eliminating them one-by-one.


  “What’s your type?” he whispered, snuggling closer. Oh, my God, was he nuzzling my hair? Surely not.

  “Okay, fair’s fair, I guess,” I admitted, enjoying the feeling of his face against my head. His breath came through the strands of hair, hitting my scalp, and I wanted so much more.

  “Um, where do I start?” I couldn’t think, too distracted by his breath on my skin and his hand on my hip.

  “Eyes?”

  “Easy. I like blue eyes. Light blue.”

  “Hair color?”

  I made circles on my skin with his thumb. “D-dark brown.”

  “What else do you like?”

  “Tall men. Strong. The kind that holds me while I sleep.” The words had slipped out. “I mean, the kind that could hold me close while I sleep.” Yeah, that wasn’t awkward. Shit.

  He moved his head to my shoulder and his lips brushed my skin. Was that a kiss? Or had he just moved his face? I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t say anything. “Any guy would be lucky to have you as his boyfriend,” Jeff said close to my ear.

  “Whatever,” I said, trying to cover the quivering in my voice and failing miserably.

  Jeff pulled back. “Hey! I’m telling the truth. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Anyone!”

  I bit back a smile at his irate tone. It was nice to know he felt that, though. “Thanks. And you need to tell this guy that you like him. No way will he turn you down.”

  “It’s complicated,” he muttered and pulled away a little.

  I instantly scooted back, not caring if he thought I was being weird. “Seriously, Jeff. You should ask him out. Oh—ask him to prom! That would be perfect.”

  He tightened his grip on my waist. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Great. Now go to sleep. We have school in the morning and it could be a nightmare.”

  “You worried?”

  “Yes and no. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore, but I also know some people will make a big deal about it. Why does it have to be? So I’m attracted to guys instead of girls. It’s not like I’m some kind of alien with three eyes and long tentacles.”

  Jeff laughed. “Paints an interesting picture. But I get what you mean. I’m sure rumors will get around about me, too.”

  He was right. Probably by end of day, if not sooner. I snuggled and closed my eyes. For now, I would pretend my life was perfect while being held by the man of my dreams.

  * * * *

  Morning arrived way too soon and Jeff and I dragged our tired asses downstairs. Delicious scents filled the air as his mom pulled a tray of cinnamon rolls from the oven.

  “Right on time.” She set the tray on the stove. “Let me get the icing and they’ll be ready to eat.” She flashed a smile at me. “Sleep well?”

  “Yeah—I mean, yes.”

  “Well, don’t worry about today. You guys stick together, and if anyone harasses or bullies either of you, don’t be afraid to let the principal know.”

  My eyes widened. I shot a glance at Jeff as he pulled orange juice from the fridge. He gave me a sheepish grin and shrugged. He had told his mom about me. And she clearly knew about Jeff.

  “Um, okay.” I set glasses on the table before getting plates. It felt normal to have breakfast here. I’d done it so many times over the years, but now, this was my home. At least for the time being. I cleared my throat as I set the plates on the table. “Mrs. Leaton?”

  She turned, the knife she used to spread the icing still in her hand. “Please call me Judy. After all, you’ve known me for years, and now you live here.”

  “Okay, Judy.” I took a deep breath. “Thank you for…” A lump grew in my throat. So many changes. So many things to be sad over. So many things to be thankful for. Emotions whirled inside me as she opened her arms and hugged me.

  “You’re part of our family, Aaron. You always have been. No thanks are necessary, okay?” She kissed the top of my head.

  It felt good to be hugged by a mother, and I leaned into her for a moment before she returned to preparing the cinnamon rolls.

  Jeff and I ate quickly, and in no time, we were headed to school.

  “Nervous?”

  I shook my head. It was a lie, and I knew he knew it.

  “We’ll be fine.”

  Now I wondered if he was lying.

  A short time later, we pulled into the parking lot and climbed out of the truck. I glanced around and realized nobody was watching me. So far it seemed like any other school day.

  That lasted until I reached my locker.

  “Faggot!”

  I swiveled my head to see who’d called me that, but couldn’t tell since teenagers packed the hall.

  “Just take a deep breath,” Jeff whispered as I grabbed books from my locker before slamming it shut.

  Our first period classes were right across from each other, so we walked together. I felt like I was under a microscope. Was everyone staring at me?

  Jeff bumped his arm against me. “Smile. Don’t let anyone think you’re ashamed of who you are. I’ll do the same.” A grin spread across his face.

  Warmth moved through me. He was right. And damn, his smile was beautiful. I gave him a small, wistful smile of my own before I turned into my classroom. Why couldn’t I be the one he loved?

  Lily waved when she saw me, and I slid into my seat next to her. Her lips were painted violet. It was pretty garish, but who was I to judge lipstick?

  “I’m so sorry to hear about your mom.” She covered my hand with hers. “If you need anything, I’m here.”

  She and I had never been too close, but I had to admit her offer of support made me feel better. “Thanks.”

  “I’m sure losing your mom and coming out in the same week is really hard. I just can’t imagine—” She yanked away her hand and slapped it over her mouth, her eyes widening.

  I pulled her hand from her mouth. “It’s fine. You said nothing wrong, Lily. I’m out. I’m not hiding it.”

  “I always say things before I think. I just didn’t want to make you feel awkward or anything.”

  I leaned back in my chair, thinking about what Jeff had said in the hall. “Again, I’m not hiding anymore. I’m proud of who I am.”

  Mrs. Miller closed the door as the bell rung and I turned to face her. Someone behind me coughed and said the word “faggot” under their breath. So that’s how it was going to be.

  Mrs. Miller furrowed her brow and scanned the back row before standing at her desk. “I hope you all read up on Chapter Twelve.”

  Several kids groaned.

  I flipped open my textbook to that chapter and folded the top right corner. Looked like I had a lot of reading to do.

  Another cough and another “faggot” came from the back, this time louder. I turned around, saw Eddie smiling, I knew it was him. He was on the varsity football team. People thought he was a god on the field, but in class, he was an idiot.

  “Is there a problem?” Mrs. Miller asked the class, her voice clipped. Nobody said anything and the silence stretched out as she looked from student to student. “I won’t tolerate bullying in my classroom and that word is hateful and not allowed.”

  Silence continued. I wondered if she was waiting for the speaker to stand up and identify himself. That was never going to happen. And, although she’d meant well, she made it harder on me by bringing more attention to it.

  I rose from my seat.

  “Yes, Aaron?”

  My heart raced. I cleared my throat. “Some people might have an issue with me, but I don’t have time to deal with small-mindedness.” I looked at the class and winced when I saw all eyes on me. Even Eddie’s. My gaze latched onto his and, although I spoke to the entire class, I directed my words to him. “Is that really the best you can do?” I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I’m out. I’m the same guy I’ve always been and I’m not going to hide myself anymore. I’m sorry if you have a problem with that.” I took a deep breath. May as well kill two birds with one stone and put a stop to
the rumor mill all at once. “And yes, my father killed my mother. He’s in jail.” I hoped I sounded more confident than I felt.

  I turned to Mrs. Miller, whose mouth gaped open. “You can have the floor back,” I told her as I took my seat.

  Lily chuckled. I sure hoped she’d be as understanding when she eventually found out about Jeff.

  * * * *

  Other than a few more idiots calling me names, the day progressed pretty normally. Until I got to lunch.

  I anxiously waited in line in the packed cafeteria. Something about the way Eddie and his friends stared at me had me on edge. They sat at their table, facing the lunch line, their gazes so intense I wasn’t even sure they blinked.

  Jeff rushed through the doors and joined me in line.

  “You okay?” he asked, eyebrow raised. “I heard about first period. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrugged, still staring at Eddie and his friends. “It was Eddie, and as you can see, he’s still being a douche.”

  Jeff frowned. “Assholes.” He looked pissed.

  I nudged him with my elbow. “Don’t let it get to you.”

  He sighed. “Why are people so fucking stupid?”

  “I wish I knew. Anyone giving you a hard time?”

  “Not really. Nobody seems to suspect.” He laughed and waved his arms. “Remember, technically, I’m not out.”

  We moved with the line.

  “Are you happy or upset about that?” I asked.

  “Neither, really. I want to be out and just have it over with, though.”

  I elbowed him again. “Yeah, so you can ask your secret crush to prom, right?”

  He rolled his eyes at me, and I laughed.

  By the time we made it to our usual table, Lily was there waiting. I expected her to begin flirting with Jeff, but she turned to me instead. “I wanted to tell you how brave I thought you were this morning. I would’ve never been able to stand in front of the whole class like that.”

  “Thanks, but I mainly wanted to stop the harassment before it got out of control.”

  “Kevin Mason said his cousin Jon really likes you.”