Holding On Read online

  “The kids should go, honey. He’s their father, no matter what,” Grandpa urged.

  “He’s not mine,” I huffed. “I’ll see him today, but there is no way in hell I’ll ever talk to him again. The only time I plan to see him again is at the trial.”

  In the end—after a lot of discussion—we decided to visit, so while my grandparents spoke with Laura, the three of us went in search of Officer Dyer. Thinking it could be a while, I told Jeff he could go and I’d catch a ride to the hotel with my grandparents, but he stubbornly refused to leave. Of course, that only rose him another notch in my book. He was a true friend. Even if he was acting weird.

  Surprisingly, getting the visit set up took only a few minutes, and before I knew it, we were in an elevator in the back of the building. Jeff stayed behind and we told him we’d meet him in the lobby. He promised to keep an eye out for my grandparents in case they finished before we did.

  When the elevator doors opened, we found ourselves in a stark area. Plain concrete floors, pale green walls. No carpeting or pictures. Just a large square sign telling visitors the rules. I shut off my phone and reminded Pamela to do the same, but she had left her phone at the hotel. Officer Dyer led us down a wide hall to a small room with three dividers, a chair in each section. A glass partition split the room. He gestured for one of us to sit and told us he’d be right in the back, only about four feet behind us.

  Pamela took the chair and I stood behind her. An old landline type of phone without buttons hung on the dividing wall. She shook, so I put my hands on her shoulders.

  “It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

  “I guess…I guess I want to say goodbye. Is that okay?”

  “Of course, Pamela,” I told her, hoping he wouldn’t be horrible to her.

  A door opened on the other side, and my father entered in a peach outfit that looked like scrubs. His wrists were cuffed, as well as his ankles, so he shuffled in, not looking at us yet. He had put my mom in her own version of shackles for years long before taking her life, so it felt good to see him like that.

  Pamela gasped when he sat and reached for the phone on his side of the glass. I didn’t blame her. The man that had terrorized us all our lives and killed our mother looked like a shadow of his former self. His skin appeared sickly grayish-white and his bloodshot eyes drooped. His hair stood up in tufts as if he hadn’t brushed it in days.

  His hands shook as he held the phone to his ear. Pamela made no move for our phone, so I picked it up.

  He raised his gaze to mine and my heart jumped into my throat. That hatred I always knew he had for me had grown tenfold, and had never been as clear as it was now. I fought the urge to hang up.

  “Hi,” I said into the handset, gripping it so tightly it almost hurt.

  “What the hell do you want?” he sneered.

  The question took me aback. What did we want? Maybe remorse? Love? Anything to show he felt sorry for killing Mom? “Pamela wanted to see you.”

  “Why? You like seeing your dad in jail? It’s your fault I’m in here. Yours and that boyfriend of yours. He called the cops on me.”

  I flinched and rage coursed through me. “How dare you! Yes, he called the cops. He was trying to save Mom’s life. But it didn’t matter, did it? She’s still dead, you asshole!”

  His eyes widened as he looked at me. “You little faggot. Shut the fuck up. I’ll get out of here and I’ll never see you again.”

  I shook so hard, but I reached deep inside and found the strength to continue. “I want you to know that I am no longer afraid of you. You’re a pathetic man that only beat down anything that was good and beautiful.”

  “Fuck you,” he spat, but this time, I didn’t flinch.

  Pamela held up her hand. I didn’t want her hurt, but I could see she was determined to talk to him, so I handed her the phone.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  I watched him through the glass, but couldn’t make out what he was saying.

  “I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m moving in with Grandma and Grandpa and I don’t want to see you anymore. I miss Mom so much,” she cried into the phone, tears pouring down her cheeks.

  Alarmed, I asked if she wanted to leave.

  She shook her head as she listened to what he said. When he stopped talking, she sat quietly and I worried she was too upset to continue. Though I still couldn’t hear him, I knew it couldn’t be anything nice. As I reached for the phone, she began speaking again.

  “Dad, I’m so sorry you will never get to meet my girlfriend, Amanda.”

  Shocked, I watched my father stand and toss down the phone, spitting on the ground. An officer grabbed him while another picked up the phone, telling Pamela something.

  She nodded and hung up. Tears filled her eyes, but a smile played on her lips. Neither of us looked at him as we walked out. I prayed that maybe he’d plead guilty and we wouldn’t ever have to see him again, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

  Dyer held the door open for us and we didn’t speak until inside the elevator.

  “Who is Amanda?” I asked, arching my eyebrows.

  Her eyes twinkled and she smiled mischievously. “I made her up. I’m not gay, but I figured telling him that both his kids were would really mess with his head.”

  I stared at my little sister in disbelief, my jaw falling. She shrugged, and I burst out laughing. “That was pure genius.”

  “I know.” We both laughed.

  “What did he say to you?” I asked.

  “He said he should have killed me, too.”

  My heart froze. “No…he didn’t really say that, did he?” The tears welling in her eyes showed the truth. I hugged her close. “I’m so sorry, Pamela. You deserved a real dad—the type of man who was kind. Loving.”

  She sniffled. “So did you.”

  Officer Dyer smiled, which I thought weird at first, until he spoke. “You’ve got spirit, Pamela. You’re going to be just fine.” He cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. “Have you considered being a police officer when you grow up?”

  She smiled at him through her tears. “Not until today.”

  I hugged her tight to me again. Yeah, my little sister is going to be just fine.

  * * * *

  By the time we left, hours had passed and I felt drained, but my grandparents insisted on taking us all out to eat. Four was a little early for dinner, but since we had skipped lunch, I didn’t really mind. They’d invited Jeff’s mom, who would join us at the barbecue restaurant.

  Jeff had been quiet the entire ride to the restaurant, but Pamela had ridden with us and chattered the whole way, so his silence could be chalked up to not really having a chance to talk. When we pulled into the parking lot and saw my grandparents by the door, we dropped off Pamela with them and found a vacant spot.

  He parked and turned off the engine, but kept tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. The silence stretched out and I finally gave in.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He rolled his shoulders and rubbed the back of his neck. “This is hard to say and I’m not sure how you’re going to take this.”

  Shit. My guard came up and I sat up straighter.

  “Fuck…I’m just going to spit it out.”

  “That would be good,” I said, keeping my voice even.

  His head fell forward and he softly bounced his forehead on the steering wheel.

  “Jeff! Seriously, you’re freaking me out.”

  He stared out the window and his shoulders sagged. “I’m not even sure how she got our number. I mean, she called the landline and all, but still—”

  “Jeff! Stop it. Who called?”

  “Your aunt.”

  Okay. That was unexpected. “What did she want?”

  He looked at me with those clear blue eyes and I tried not to stare back, but I failed miserably.

  “She told my mom she was hiring a pricey attorney and wanted to talk to you so you could tell ‘the truth’.�
�� He paused to make air quotes before going on. “That she was sure you and I and Pamela were all lying.”

  For the second time today, my jaw fell open. “What the hell?”

  “I know. My mom basically told her to go to hell.”

  I grinned. “She did?”

  “She also told me I should warn you in case your aunt tried to contact you, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want you more stressed out knowing about the attorney, then your mom died, and to be honest, I kind of forgot the whole thing until the District Attorney mentioned it today. I feel like I lied to you.”

  My grandparents gestured at us to hurry up. I held up my finger indicating we’d be in soon and waved them inside. “I won’t say it doesn’t irritate me, Jeff. I mean, I do understand about forgetting to tell me after my mom…died.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and wondered how long it would be before I mentioned her death without feeling my throat tighten. “But your mom was right. You should have told me. I’m not a child. I can handle things.”

  He nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. “You’re right. I just felt so…protective of you. I didn’t want you hurt more than you already were. I guess I haven’t done a great job of communicating for a few weeks now, huh?”

  I shook my head. “No, ever since you told me you had a crush on someone…oh, wait!” My gut clenched. “So, now I know it’s a guy, not a girl.” I tapped my index finger on my lips with feigned interest—because I didn’t dare tell him I was feeling jealous. “Seems to me you mentioned hazel eyes. Any other clues you’d like to share?”

  A blush spread across his face and he wouldn’t meet my eyes. Shit, he really did have it bad for this guy. “Man, you’re in deep!”

  He rolled his eyes at me and climbed out of the truck. “Whatever,” he muttered, ignoring me as he stalked toward the large red-brick building. I got out to follow. The air smelled of smoked meats and barbecue sauce, and my stomach growled so loud he heard it from where he stood, several feet in front of me.

  He grinned, one eyebrow raised. “Hungry, man?”

  Something about the way he spoke made me laugh and I couldn’t stop myself. I kept picturing him as an ad man pitching those frozen dinners. Within seconds, I issued a full-on belly laugh, and it felt so good to let go. He watched me like I was crazy and grinned as several people walked by. I didn’t care. It felt so good to have a release. I wiped at my tears, for once not from crying, and raced for the door.

  We saw my grandparents and Pamela at a table near the back and made our way toward them.

  “You know I’m going to hound you for more clues now, right?” I teased.

  He gave me a death stare, but his eyes twinkled, so he failed.

  “Oh, yeah. I’m going to get this figured out. I bet I’ll know by tonight.”

  He made the “zipping my lips” gesture and proceeded to the table. I tried hard not to notice how those jeans made his ass look hot. Heat spread throughout my body. He had it bad for someone and I clearly had it bad for him. Shit. Not the best circumstances.

  As we took our seats across from my grandparents, I realized I felt lighter than I had since the night of my mom’s attack. I missed her like crazy, but I felt like I could get through things now. I still had Jeff. I had my grandparents, and my sister. I was graduating. Prom was coming up.

  Prom. Hmm. That would suck if I had to watch Jeff go to prom with the guy of his dreams, but I wanted him to be happy.

  We all looked at our menus. A waitress took our drink orders, and I was ecstatic they had Mountain Dew. I knew what I wanted for dinner, but we weren’t going to order until Mrs. Leaton got there.

  “You getting a ham sandwich?” Jeff leaned in and asked.

  “Of course!”

  He smiled. It was good to be happy again and know that, no matter what, Jeff had my back.

  “I assume you’re getting the beef sandwich?”

  He nodded and I laughed again. We loved this place and came here a lot. It wasn’t expensive and the food was fantastic. It was simply called Joe’s and served barbecue. Nothing fancy. The thick hand-cut fries were awesome.

  “Want to split some onion rings?” Pamela asked.

  “No, I think I’m going with just fries today.”

  “I’ll share some with you,” Grandpa said, and that made her happy. A single order of onion rings at Joe’s was big enough for several people.

  Jeff stood and waved at his mom when she came through the door. She had arrived directly from work, so wore a nice blue dress with thin white zigzags. When she reached us, she took the empty seat at the end of the table, next to Jeff.

  “Mom, this is Mr. and Mrs. Olsen,” Jeff said.

  My grandpa stood and shook her outstretched hand. “Please, call us Paula and Douglas.”

  “Will do. And you can call me Judy. I can’t believe we’ve known Aaron this long and never had the chance to meet.”

  My stomach growled again and Jeff laughed. “We need to get him fed. Immediately!”

  Before anyone could say anything, the waitress showed up with our drinks. We gave her our order and she collected our menus. As soon as she left, Mrs. Leaton pulled out her planner and a pen.

  “First of all, please accept my condolences,” she said to my grandparents.

  “Thank you,” Grandma said. “And as I told you on the phone, thank you so much for taking in Aaron.”

  Mrs. Leaton smiled. “He’s been part of our family for years. From the very first time Jeff brought him home. It’s been a pleasure. And I know this is a tough time, but I wanted to make it clear he is welcome to stay and finish out school and graduate here, and even stay after that.” She turned her attention to Jeff and me. “I was thinking we could convert my home office to a bedroom for Aaron, if that would work. That way you guys aren’t cramped in one room.”

  I didn’t like that idea at all. Apparently Jeff didn’t either.

  “But it’s kind of like camping, Mom,” Jeff explained. “We don’t mind sharing.”

  “Nonsense. Finals are coming and you need your own space to study.” Her tone brooked no argument and we looked at each other, defeated.

  She turned back to Grandpa. “Would it be possible to have his bedroom furniture brought over? Or the boys could get it and transport it in Jeff’s truck.”

  “That sounds great,” Grandpa said. “We’re needing to get back home and we’re taking Pamela with us and enrolling her in school there. I’ll be back over the weekend to start working on the house.” He held my grandma’s hand. “We’ve decided to sell it. I’d thought maybe Aaron would want to stay in it while he was in college, but the place may hold some bad memories.”

  “No. I don’t want to live there,” I confirmed. “And I figured I can stay with you while I go to a junior college near you guys. That way I can work and help out.”

  “No way, young man,” Grandma exclaimed. “Your mother wants—wanted—you to go to a four-year college. With the life insurance, we can cover that now.”

  “Life insurance?”

  “It’s not a lot, but it’ll be enough to cover your school and Pamela’s, as well as a few expenses.”

  “Oh, my God! That means you can go away to Central with me!” Excited, Jeff shot up from his chair.

  My head swam. “Away? I haven’t even applied. Isn’t it too late?”

  “I can help you with the application tomorrow night, if you want,” Mrs. Leaton offered.

  I looked at Jeff, who grinned. “Yes! I want to apply!”

  “Once we find out if you’re accepted, we can sign up as roommates!” Jeff sat down and added, “Of course you’ll get in.”

  I was so excited, too, my body almost shook. I sipped my Mountain Dew through a straw and thought about today. It had been a wave of differing emotions and certainly wasn’t easy, but this news was incredible. I never thought I’d be able to go away to college.

  Once the waitress brought our food, Jeff and I ate in silence for the most part, listenin
g to his mom and my grandparents make plans for the future. It sounded like my grandparents actually wanted the manslaughter plea because they wanted to have my father locked up and to forget about him.

  My ears perked up as my grandpa explained to Judy that if my father agreed to give them full custody of Pamela, they’d most likely support the plea deal, even though it meant he would be out of prison sooner than they preferred.

  I could understand, but it still pissed me off that, even from jail, my father was calling the shots.

  I was too excited thinking about college to even concentrate on the delicious dinner. I sensed Jeff was also eager to get out of the restaurant, but I didn’t want to be rude.

  Soon, Pamela started yawning. It had been a hard day for her. I still couldn’t believe my father said he wished he’d killed her, too. What an evil man. I was glad Officer Dyer said he would fill in Laura Morgan on today’s events. She needed to know the extent of my father’s evil nature.

  “Want to get out of here?” Jeff whispered, his breath blowing hot against my neck. I tried not to show a reaction, but I couldn’t help it. God, I liked being near him. I knew I was being pathetic, but I didn’t care. Once he started dating that guy he liked—and let’s face it, he would because I couldn’t think of any guy that wouldn’t find Jeff incredibly sexy and kind—I’d have to put a stop to my feelings. But now…now I could keep it secret. Besides, it wasn’t like he could tell. I knew I was playing with fire, but sometimes it was just something I had to do.

  “Yeah,” I whispered back, my gaze sweeping the table. Everyone seemed lost in conversation, other than Pamela. It hit me that she would soon have to say good-bye to her friends. I was lucky enough to be finishing school with mine, but her entire world was changing.

  “Pamela?” I leaned closer. “How are you doing?”

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I covered her hand with mine and her eyes flew open. I couldn’t help but notice her wet lashes.

  “Hey, follow me,” I whispered, cocking my head toward the entrance.

  She rose quietly as I gave a quick nod to Jeff so he wouldn’t worry about us and we walked through the maze of tables. When I finally pushed open the front door, cooler air greeted us and I inhaled. With all the smoked meats and grills inside, the restaurant tended to get warm.