Holding On Read online

  “You’re gay?”

  Jeff let go of me and threw up his arms. “Shit, it took you long enough to understand!”

  My eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me when I came out to you?”

  Jeff blushed. “I was going to tell you the night…the night your mom got hurt. At least, that was the plan.” He shrugged and looked around the lobby, raking his hands through his hair. “And then later, you came out and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable.”

  My mind blown, I cocked my head and swallowed hard. I stared at him, my heart pounding so hard I felt it in my ears.

  “I know this is the worst time in the world to lay this on you, Aaron. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t let you continue to think you were losing me. You…” He cleared his throat and looked at me, his eyes wet. “You’re my best friend. No matter what. You always will be.”

  What could I say? I had to tell him the truth about my feelings. Pacing in front of the window, needing the space between us, I thought through the words I wanted to say. But one glance at Jeff told me now wasn’t the time…he was trying to be strong for me. If I told him I had feelings for him and he denied me, I didn’t think I could handle it. “I thought I embarrassed you. I didn’t want to lose my best friend, and it seemed like I would. I’m so fucking confused and angry and every other damn emotion you can think of right now. Losing my mom…my father’s in jail…I didn’t think I could handle losing you, too. The way you’ve been with all this”—my voice broke as I waved my arms—”this craziness with my life…I couldn’t deal with all this without you.” I shook my head and my lips curved into a small smile. “Shit, we’re idiots, Jeff. You should have told me and I shouldn’t have let things build up in my head. Jon told me I was wrong about you.”

  A grin spread across Jeff’s face as he wrapped me in his arms. I melted against his chest. No matter what happened, I would have Jeff. Things were going to be okay. I tried not to focus on how good it felt to be in his arms. But knowing he was there to support me and help me get through this hellish time made me fall just a little harder for him. I sighed and pulled away. Time to push aside those thoughts again.

  * * * *

  The day of my mom’s memorial service came too soon. Jeff and I had made the trek to my house and found picture albums my grandma wanted for the service. Pamela, Jeff, and I had spent the day before putting them together on several large foam boards.

  Grandma had always been crafty, so she had run to a scrapbooking store and purchased ribbons, fake flowers, and stickers to decorate the place. She was determined to create a space worthy of my mom. I had to admit, I was pretty impressed.

  The weight of our mutual confessions allowed Jeff and I to finally put away the weirdness between us—at least for a while—and get back to being best friends. Things were bound to change in some way, we both knew that. But not yet.

  While we were at my house, I found the one blazer I owned and a pair of nice slacks and took them back to the hotel. I was staying there until after the memorial service. Grandpa had pulled me aside and told me we would need to talk about more permanent living arrangements for after graduation, as well as what to do with the house once things settled down.

  For the moment, I just wanted to get through the service. My grandparents had booked a local community center, since we weren’t members of a church. Jeff offered to drive Pamela and me, so she and I were standing in the lobby waiting for his text. Pamela wore a pretty gray dress that my grandma had purchased the day before. One look at my sister, and I knew she would never wear the dress again. I’d be surprised if she didn’t toss it into the trash the minute she got back to the hotel. Pamela hated dresses, so why would she want to keep a dress bought only for the purpose of remembering our dead mother?

  I was worried about her. She hadn’t eaten anything this morning and her eyes looked empty. I understood the emptiness, though. My mind started to wander to my father, sitting in the county jail, and I shut it off. He was the last person I wanted to think of.

  My phone buzzed, and without looking, I knew it was Jeff. “He’s here, Pamela. Let’s go.”

  No acknowledgement, but she followed me to the truck and climbed in.

  Jeff’s eyebrows raised in query. I just shrugged as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the community center. From the corners of my eyes, I glanced at him. He looked nice. Black slacks. White button-down shirt. Gray blazer.

  It seemed so strange that we were all dressed up to celebrate my mom, but she was the only one who wasn’t there. I turned to look out the window when tears welled up, wiping at them before they spilled down my cheeks. There were going to be a lot of tears, but I at least wanted to arrive to the service looking presentable. Something about the idea of my mom looking down on me and seeing me crying was unsettling. I wanted her to be proud of how I dealt with the memorial service.

  When I first walked into the room where the service was being held, I had to admit my surprise. It was really beautiful. Chairs were lined up in rows facing the east end of the room, where a wooden object—I thought it was called a lectern, but wasn’t sure—stood. Flowers of all colors and potted plants were spaced throughout the room. The posters we worked on sat on tall easels at the front of the room, along with a blown-up, framed picture of my mom.

  I made my way to it and Pamela followed close behind. Mom was smiling directly into the camera, so it almost appeared like she was looking at us. The photo was clearly from years ago, when she was younger and happier. The stress lines in her face hadn’t appeared yet.

  “You look like her,” I told Pamela.

  She squeezed my hand. “Really?”

  I smiled down at her. “I hadn’t realized how much until just now. You have her eyes and her smile.”

  Tears spilled onto her cheeks and I let go of her hand so I could wrap my arms around her. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. I promise, Pamela.”

  “I hate him,” she said, her voice muffled against my shirt. I didn’t have to ask who she meant.

  “I know. Me, too, but let’s not think about him right now. Today is about celebrating Mom’s life and I don’t want thoughts of him poisoning the day.”

  She sniffled before pulling away and straightening her shoulders. “You’re right.”

  I hugged her again.

  “Where’s Jeff?”

  He’d gone to help set up a table in the lobby area for my grandma. Something with more pictures. “Must still be helping Grandma. Why don’t we go find him?”

  She nodded. “You’re lucky you have him. He loves you so much.”

  Her words stopped me in my tracks. “What? Why do you say that?”

  “Anyone can see it, silly. Mom and I talked about it several times. It’s in his eyes every time he looks at you.”

  I was stunned. Mom had made it clear she knew I was gay when we’d talked in the hospital. She’d even gone so far as implying Jeff was more than a friend. I’d brushed it aside at the time. But now, knowing she and Pamela had talked about it…well, could he care about me that way? Knowing he was gay still blew my mind. And honestly, I was still pissed he hadn’t told me once I’d come out to him.

  Was my mom right? Had she known something about Jeff that I didn’t see? Either way, I was grateful she knew and had accepted me for who I was. It overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop the tears.

  “Let’s go find him,” I said, my voice strained, as we left the room in search of Jeff. Friend. Lover. It didn’t matter now. I would need him to get through the event.

  * * * *

  By the end of the day, I was completely drained. If I had to shake one more hand or hear one more person tell me how sorry they were for my loss, I thought I might have lost my mind. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, it was just that many more people attended than we had expected.

  The number of my friends from school, kids I knew well and some I barely spoke
with, surprised me. It was a school day, but apparently the administration made an exception. In fact, it seemed like the entire town showed up. There were so many people, we ran out of chairs. Luckily, everyone was agreeable and nobody minded standing.

  It was late when Jeff pulled into the hotel parking lot. I was reluctant to go inside, even with feeling so drained. Sitting quietly with him in the truck was all I wanted to do. He grabbed my hand.

  A little surprised, I raised my eyes to meet his and blushed at the intensity in them. He stroked my hand with his thumb and my pulse sped up.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  I looked at our hands and nodded. I was more than okay. This was…amazing. Until he pulled away his hand as if he’d been burned.

  Don’t read anything into things tonight, I warned myself.

  Clearing my throat, I turned to him. “Thank you…so much. For today. I don’t think I could have made it without you.” My voice sounded rough to my ears. Tired.

  “You’re stronger than you think, Aaron. But you’re welcome. Of course, I was there. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

  “There were some really nice things said about my mom today. You mentioning her homemade chocolate chip cookies was one of my favorite things.”

  Jeff shrugged. “She made awesome cookies. Your mom is…was…” He blanched and rubbed his hands across his eyes. “I’m sorry. She was a pretty great woman.”

  I squeezed his shoulder, letting him know I understood the slip of tongue. Hell, I couldn’t count the times over the last couple of days I had referred to my mom in the present tense. It was going to take some time to stop doing that. “Yeah, she was. I can’t believe how many people showed up, can you?”

  He tilted his head. “Of course I can. I think when violence ends in murder, it affects those around you. Our town isn’t that big and a lot of people knew your mom. Think about how active she was in PTA and in your sister’s school activities.”

  “True. When I was younger, she was just as involved in my school things.” I smiled at the memories. “I think she was the room mother in at least three of my classes in elementary school.” I chuckled. “I thought she did it to embarrass me, but I’m sure she really just wanted to be near me.” Tears threatened to fall again and I shook my head. I had cried enough. And my mom would want me to be strong for Pamela. “I better get inside.”

  “You sure you can’t come back to my house tonight?” Jeff asked, his eyes locked on mine. He looked…wistful.

  I shook my head. “I need to be with my family tonight. We have a lot to talk about.”

  “Yeah. What about tomorrow? We need to go to the station and meet with the detective. Do you want me to pick you up?”

  I beamed. “That would be great. My grandparents are going, too. And Pamela.” I glanced at the hotel and sighed. “It could be a very long day, though.”

  “Yeah, but at least we’ll be able to hang out together.”

  He was right. We still had a lot to figure out with the way things were changing, and tomorrow wouldn’t allow time for that, but at least we’d spend the day together.

  Chapter 7

  When Jeff picked me up, I grinned and climbed into the truck.

  “Hey,” I said, feeling a little shy. When I’d finally had a chance to relax the night before, Pamela’s words about Jeff had come back to me, playing in my mind all night. I was more confused than ever.

  “Hey,” he said back, a smile playing at his lips.

  Well, so much for deep conversation. I felt really nervous, and for the first time, really examined our situation. Was it really possible to go from best friends to…more? I narrowed my eyes and stared at him. Could my mom and Pamela be right?

  “Aaron?” Jeff squeezed my hand. “Listen, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

  I exhaled a whoosh of air. “Thanks. I just need to…focus on today. My sister is so sad. Crying again this morning.” I sighed and he squeezed my hand again before dropping it and putting the truck into DRIVE. “I’m worried about her. My grandparents want her to see a therapist.” I gave him a sidelong glance, unsure how he would react to my next statement. “They…um…they want me to go, too.”

  “My mom also mentioned that this morning. Grief counselors can really help people with a loss. She said she saw one after my dad died. I was a baby, so I obviously don’t remember.”

  My chest tightened and my gut flipped. He seemed to understand. My heart fluttered, but my focus had to be on my family and getting through the next twenty-four hours.

  “Yeah, well, they’re going to take Pamela home with them this week and get her enrolled in school there.”

  “What about you? I mean, you’re finishing here, right?”

  “My grandparents want to talk to your mom, if that’s okay. Since Mom…died…” I swallowed over the hard lump in my throat. “Circumstances are different. Originally, once my mom had been released, she was going to go live with them, and then we were going to figure things out after I graduated.”

  “Figure what out?” he asked, his eyebrows raised.

  “Well, like what we would do with the house. If I was going away to college. Where I would live…”

  “You’re staying with me!” he declared, louder than I expected.

  “But what about the summer?”

  “My mom already said you can stay the summer. And we can figure out college.”

  I breathed in deeply and let it out fast. “Um, about college…I’m not sure if that’s in the cards for me.”

  The truck jerked as he turned to look at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I have to help with Pamela. I can’t leave everything to my grandparents. They’re taking on another mouth to feed and I’m sure that’s going to be hard on them, since they’re both retired.” I’d been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Pamela was my responsibility. Not theirs. After all, I was eighteen.

  “Your mom would want you to go to college, Aaron.”

  He was correct, but it wasn’t about me anymore. I had to do what was right. “Can we table this until later, Jeff?” I was being a coward, but I didn’t care. It was too much to deal with right now. I didn’t want to argue with him when I needed all my energy to focus on getting through the day.

  “Sure,” he said. We drove in awkward silence for a while before he spoke again. “Are you going back to school tomorrow?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure. There’s so much to decide and honestly”—my voice hitched and I cleared my throat—”I’m just not sure of anything.”

  “I get that. I’m going back tomorrow. And I have to work tomorrow night.”

  Funny how other people’s lives continued even when your own is in tatters. My friends were attending school, thinking about graduation and prom, and I was getting ready to talk to detectives about the fact that my father killed my mom. Would my life ever return to some semblance of normal?

  When I did go back to school, whether the next day or the one after, everyone would know that I’d come out. It was all just too much. My chest tightened and I flashed on my father telling me to “man up” and “get over it.” Fuck. I didn’t need him in my thoughts.

  I gripped my hands together and closed my eyes, but it didn’t help. My breathing became uneven and I felt the world tilt. What the hell? I opened my eyes, but everything looked dark. Gray.

  “Aaron! Breathe, Aaron!”

  Was that Jeff? I couldn’t quite make him out—the voice sounded like it was coming through a tunnel. Fire ripped through my lungs and I clutched my chest, gasping for air. I felt like a fish flopping around on the dock. Why couldn’t I breathe? Why couldn’t I see clearly?

  “Dammit, Aaron! Breathe!”

  Hands gripped my shoulders and a cool breeze swirled against my face. I inhaled deeply and felt sweet air fill my lungs.

  “That’s it, Aaron. Take another one.”

  I closed my eyes and followed directions. Breathe in. Breathe out. The burning sensation in
my lungs ebbed and my chest stopped hurting. Still trembling, I opened my eyes and tried to focus. My eyes widened when I saw my door was open and Jeff leaning in from outside the truck. A quick glance told me he had parked on the side of the highway.

  “What…” I breathed in deeply again. “What happened?”

  “I think you had a panic attack.”

  Shit. It felt like a fuckin’ heart attack. My world finally came into full focus and I found Jeff’s face only inches from mine, his skin pale and his eyes full of concern. I leaned forward until our brows pressed together and I closed my eyes again.

  “Fuck. I’ve never felt anything like that before. I thought I was dying,” I admitted.

  He cupped the back of my neck. “So did I. Scared the crap out of me.”

  My heart finally quit slamming into my rib cage and I gripped his arm. “Thanks for helping me. God, I’m a fucking mess.” So much for manning up.

  “You’re fine, now. You’re dealing with a lot. Let’s just take things one day at a time and we’ll get your life figured out, okay?”

  His grin acted like a balm to my chaotic thoughts. He was right. My life would get figured out. And he really was here for me. I would be okay. I nodded, the lump in my throat preventing the words I wanted to say. He patted me on the shoulder and stepped back to close the door. In less than a minute, we were back on the road.

  Eventually, Jeff pulled into a space at the City Hall parking lot, keeping the truck idling. “You ready to do this?”

  I shrugged. Even if I wasn’t, it didn’t matter. It had to be done. I’d been able to compartmentalize my feelings about my father since the night of the attack, keeping him out of my day-to-day life, but I couldn’t do that now. Hell, he was the star of the day. Everything was going to revolve around him. Just like he’d always wanted.

  “My grandpa talked with Officer Dyer and he said that today we’ll go over our statements and meet with the prosecutor. Pamela and my grandparents won’t be here until later.”