Holding On Read online

  Jeff was more than just my best friend. He was my rock. My lifeline. Yes, I knew I had feelings for him, but I had kept those hidden, sure they would pass. I’m not really in love with him, am I?

  “Do you want to go somewhere to talk?”

  “Sure.”

  My phone pinged, signaling a text. I pulled it out of my pocket. It was from Jeff.

  Where are you?

  I didn’t want to talk to him, so I turned the phone to silent and slipped it into my pocket.

  “Jeff?”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t offer any more information and Jon didn’t ask. I just stared out the window as he drove out of the suburbs and hit the highway. I wondered where we were going until I saw the sign for the park at the edge of town. It was a hang-out spot for teens, so I was pretty sure Jon and I wouldn’t be alone. Not that I didn’t trust him, but he had been coming on pretty strong at the party.

  By the time we pulled into the parking lot, I was fighting rising anxiety. What the hell was I going to do now?

  Jon parked, but left the car running. I glanced toward the swings at a group of teens goofing around. They looked drunk. Great.

  “Wanna just stay here?”

  I finally dragged my gaze toward Jon, while removing my seatbelt and turning in my seat.

  He patted my shoulder. “What are you the most upset about? Coming out to everyone like that? Or fighting with Jeff?”

  I thought about his questions. Surprisingly, I still wasn’t worried about anyone knowing. “I actually felt relief when I realized so many had found out tonight. Word will spread fast, I’m sure.”

  Jon nodded. “That’s a definite. When I came out last year, I think my entire high school heard within ten minutes. The power of texting and Facebook.”

  “Was it hard?”

  “Yes and no. I lost a couple of really good friends. But I also found out who my true friends were. My best friend, Garrett, was raised really religious. He’s had a hard time understanding, but he has never been anything but supportive. I know he struggles with the religious aspect of it, but I also know he will always be there for me, so we leave it alone. He’s got my back and I’ve got his.”

  “Not like Jeff. I can’t believe him!” I swiped at the tears as they began to run down my cheeks.

  “Hey, why are you being so hard on him?”

  I looked at him, incredulous. “He just proved I embarrass him! He can’t handle me being gay!”

  Jon shook his head. “I think you’re completely misreading the situation, Aaron.”

  “How? You saw him! He was horrified that we were touching…that we were going to…well, maybe we were going to…” I looked away. Maybe I had misread Jon’s signals, but not Jeff’s.

  “No maybe about it, Aaron. I was going to kiss you.” He laughed. “Not now, though.”

  I glanced back at him. “Why not?”

  “Why make it harder on myself? You’re completely in love with another guy. It was all over your face back there. If he can’t see it, he’s an idiot.”

  Horrified, I felt the blood drain from my face. “Fuck, do you think he knows?” I dropped my head into my hands, fighting the urge to vomit.

  “Breathe, Aaron,” Jon whispered as he softly rubbed circles on my upper back. “I’m not sure if he could tell, but I could. It’s time for you to confront your feelings. If he doesn’t feel that way, you need to move forward.”

  A life without Jeff? My head spun and a cold sweat broke out all over my skin. He was important to me. I cared about him more than anyone else in the world. And I couldn’t see my future without him. Oh, God, I do love him! “I’m so screwed,” I cried.

  And then, just like that, I poured out my entire story to Jon.

  Funny, but by the time we left the park, I felt almost cleansed. Like I was starting anew. Nothing hidden. My life was open now. I was open now. Open to possibilities and change. Open to the chance of love. Open to talking things over with Jeff. While I knew Jeff didn’t return my feelings, I also knew we needed to hash things out.

  “Thanks, Jon,” I told him as I climbed out of the car in front of Jeff’s house. “You have no idea what you’ve done for me.”

  Jon smiled. “Good luck, Aaron. Call or text if you need anything. I’m heading back home tomorrow, but keep in touch. I’ll be back this summer—I’m staying with Kevin for at least a month.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks again.”

  I closed the door and walked past Jeff’s truck in the driveway. I looked at the dark house, slipped the phone out of my pocket, and clicked it off silent. Shit. Twelve missed calls from Jeff and three more texts.

  Answer the fucking phone!

  Call me!

  Where are you????

  I sighed. Ignoring him had not been the right thing to do. Scrubbing my hand over the top of my head, I wondered what I would say. Even if he was embarrassed of me and wanted to push me away, we still needed to talk.

  As I opened the front door and stepped inside, I tried to be as quiet as possible. The last thing I wanted to do was wake up Jeff’s mom.

  When I reached his room, I found the door closed. I paused, considered knocking, but then anger rose up. I’d been invited to live here—even if he hated me, I wouldn’t be afraid to enter the bedroom!

  The knob turned and I was glad to see he hadn’t locked it—maybe there was hope. Hope for what, though? Was I hoping he wouldn’t abandon me? Hoping he gave me time to find a place? Or hoping we could mend this rift?

  Jeff lay on the bed, his back to me, so I couldn’t tell if he was awake. Remembering how horrified he’d been earlier, I assumed he was sleeping now or he’d have yelled at me when I walked in. Not sure if I welcomed the reprieve or not, I stripped to my boxers and plugged in my phone, setting it on the nightstand. Anger, confusion, and desperation warred inside me, swirling into a mass of anxiety.

  I walked around the bed and carefully crawled under the blankets, then let myself breathe after a quick glance told me Jeff’s eyes were closed. I rolled away from him and curled up, emotions coming to a head as the night’s events caught up with me.

  I tried to stay silent and pondered the loss of my best friend. I don’t think I’d ever felt so alone. Disappointing my father had been a normal occurrence, so I’d never been close enough to him to feel a loss like this. And even when my mom went to the hospital, Jeff had been there for me, saving me from being alone.

  A sob tore through me, ripping from out of my chest, and I buried my face in my pillow. Another sob followed and I tightened my grip on the bedding.

  Suddenly, Jeff pulled me against him.

  “What are you doing?” I choked out.

  He cradled my head with one arm, while his other wrapped around my waist. “I’m so sorry, Aaron,” he whispered, his breath grazing my ear.

  I shivered and tried to move, but he tightened his grip. “No. You’re not running away again.” His voice sounded rough, almost as if he had been—holy shit, he’d been crying!

  When I tried to roll over to face him, he held tight.

  “Can you just…not look at me for a minute? While I get this out? Please?”

  “Yes,” I whispered in the dark, my body still.

  Jeff sniffled and absently began making figure eights on my skin, just above my waist, with his finger. I ignored the sensation, as much as I could, anyway. My cock wasn’t so smart, instead perking up, and I hoped Jeff wouldn’t notice.

  The silence stretched out and I wasn’t sure what to do or say. Was he waiting for me? I was so confused—so sure he hated me and yet, he was holding me in what could only be described as a death grip.

  “Jeff?”

  “Sorry. I’m not sure how to say this.”

  I braced for what could be coming, my body tensing. “Just say it. Get it out, please.”

  He exhaled hard, his breath whooshing past my ear. “I’m sorry about tonight. I…I couldn’t stand to see you with Jon. But it wasn’t because of what you think.”

/>   My heart thudded so hard against my breastbone, I wondered if I’d see it if I looked down, but I stayed still and held my breath.

  “I was…am…jealous of Jon.”

  “What about Jon? I didn’t hear you—” I tried to roll again and he held tight.

  “Wait,” he said, flattening his hand on my stomach. “I know you have the right to date anyone you want, and I’m not surprised he likes you. Shit, you’re so smart and genuine and—”

  “I can barely hear anything you’re saying.” This time, I did roll over. I pulled out of his arms and turned. The moonlight filtering through the blinds was enough to see that Jeff’s eyes were puffy from crying and his skin was blotchy. Without thinking, I cupped his cheek. “Why were you crying?”

  He looked away, but his lashes twinkled with tears. Was he upset I’d left the party?

  My phone buzzed, breaking my train of thought. Who would be calling after midnight? I reached over Jeff to grab it and my heartbeat sped up when I saw it was my grandpa’s number.

  Worried, I pressed the button. “Grandpa?”

  Silence on the other end made me bolt upright. Jeff sat up also, concern etched in his face.

  “Grandpa? What’s wrong?” My voice rose as possibilities ran through my head. Pamela was hurt or sick. Grandma had a heart attack. Mom…oh, shit. Mom.

  “Aaron,” Grandpa choked out, “you need to come to the hospital. As soon as possible.”

  Fear curled in my gut and gripped my heart. “Why? What’s going on?”

  I heard my grandpa crying, and I knew. Mom was gone. I didn’t know how I knew or why she was dead, but he didn’t have to say another word. “I’ll be right there.”

  I pushed away from Jeff and slid down the bed. “I have to go to the hospital. Can I use your truck?” My voice was eerily calm. Quiet.

  “I’ll take you. Aaron? What’s wrong?”

  I turned to look at him, my head feeling heavy. “Mom is gone.”

  He scrunched up his face. “Gone? What…gone? Oh, my God.” He jumped out of bed. “Get dressed. I’ll go tell my mom.”

  I stood up. My limbs felt numb. Heavy. All I wanted to do was crawl under those covers and feel Jeff’s arms around me. Mom was gone and I might be losing my best friend. The wave of despair threatened to drown me, but I fought it. Fought the desire to close my eyes and pretend it was all okay. Fought the overwhelming urge to cry and scream at the world. I had to be tough. I had to be the man my sister and grandparents needed. I couldn’t drown, no matter how much I somehow welcomed the idea of letting that wave crash over and take me down with it.

  Jeff rushed back into the room and threw on some sweats and a shirt. I struggled to pull on a pair of jeans. He grabbed a T-shirt from the drawer and threw it at me. “Put this on, Aaron. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  By the time I tugged the shirt over my head, he was already gone. I slid on my shoes, sans socks, and made my way down the stairs. My heart thudded against my chest and I wanted to move faster, but I couldn’t get my limbs to obey.

  Jeff’s eyes shone bright with unshed tears. It reminded me that he had cried earlier and I still wondered why. Our fight didn’t really matter now. I just needed to see my mom. My gut flipped and I fought the urge to vomit. My mom. What happened? I didn’t understand. I’d seen her just a few hours ago.

  We rode to the hospital in silence. He didn’t even turn on the radio, which was fine with me. I appreciated he didn’t ask any questions. Our friendship might be ending, but he was a good man. He was still there for me. I didn’t want to think about losing him right then. It was too much. Not the same day I’d lost my mom.

  The night had turned dark, with the moon and stars hidden behind clouds. The rest of the town was in bed asleep, it seemed. Houses lay in darkness, with businesses closed. Why did people die at night, I wondered.

  Had she been in pain? Had she cried out? Had she been alone? A sob escaped my lips and I swiped at my face, angry that tears had begun to fall. I didn’t have time for this. Not now.

  When we reached the hospital, Jeff pulled up to the main doors and I jumped out. “Thanks,” I murmured, trying my best to urge my legs forward. It took all my energy to put one step in front of the other, but I did it.

  Minutes later, when I stepped out of the elevator, I saw my grandparents sitting outside Mom’s room. Pamela was on my grandma’s lap, her head buried in her hands. Grandma and Grandpa looked shocked. Pale.

  I was standing in front of them before anyone even knew I was there. “Grandpa?”

  His gaze moved to me and recognition flickered. “Aaron.” His voice was flat.

  “What happened?”

  Grandma took hold of my hand. Pamela didn’t move and I realized she must be exhausted. “It was a ruptured aneurysm, honey. She complained of a headache earlier, but…we didn’t know…she died instantly.”

  Instantly. That meant no pain, right?

  “They called it a subarachnoid hemorrhage.” Grandpa’s voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear him. “Do you want to see her and…and say goodbye?”

  I nodded, my eyes on the closed door to her room. “She’s in there?”

  His shoulders shook as he glanced that way. “Yes,” he answered, his voice cracking. My grandma squeezed my hand, then let go so she could rub his back.

  When I got to the door, my feet wouldn’t take the next steps. My breathing came faster. I closed my eyes and pressed my hand on the door. It felt cold. Was my mom cold? I had never seen a dead body. And this was my mom. Shit. I didn’t know what to do. I needed to see her, but I didn’t want to say goodbye. My skin prickled and I broke out in a cold sweat.

  I felt a hand on my shoulder and expected to see my grandpa, but it was Jeff. With his ice blue eyes rimmed in red, he looked miserable, but his touch comforted me.

  “You can do this, Aaron,” he assured me, his voice whisper soft. “I’ll be right here.”

  A tear fell from my eye, and I wiped it away. He was right. I could do this. I needed to do this. I pushed open the door and stepped into the room.

  The first thing I noticed was a smell—sort of like bleach. Had that been there before? The blinds were closed, and even though the lights were on, the room seemed dark. My mother lay in her bed, the blanket pulled up to her shoulders. I drifted toward her, my heart slamming into my ribs by the time I reached her side.

  If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought her asleep. She looked peaceful, which felt off, because I hadn’t seen her look like that in years. Worry and fear had been a constant on her face, but never tranquility. Was she finally at peace?

  I tentatively touched her wrist. Like the door, she felt cold. Clammy. I pulled back my hand and tried to calm my breathing. This was only her shell. She was already gone.

  “Mom…I don’t know what to say. I…love you so much. Thank you for being such a good mom and I promise to watch over Pamela.” Tears flowed, and I shivered as I turned to go. She really was gone.

  I walked out of the room and tried to focus through my tears, but everything swam in front of me.

  “We’re waiting on the organ donation people to get here,” Grandma offered. “She would want that.”

  I nodded, completely agreeing with her. Mom is…was generous and loving. “How long will that take?”

  “I’m not sure. Why don’t you go home with Jeff and we’ll talk tomorrow? I’m taking Pamela home in a few minutes and your grandpa is going to stay.”

  I glanced at my grandpa, speaking to someone in scrubs, a doctor or a nurse. “You don’t want me to stay?”

  “There’s no need, honey. The next few days are going to be difficult, and right now, sleep is the best thing for all of us.” She glanced at my grandpa before looking back at me. “You know she wanted to be cremated, right?”

  “Yes. We discussed that a few times.” God, I’d never really thought about it in reality, though. It was just something we’d talked about.

  “You said goodbye?”

/>   “Yes.” I was winding down, emotionally. What more was there to say?

  “We’ll talk to the funeral home in the morning and set it up. I’ll call you as soon as we know everything.”

  Jeff had been leaning against the wall, hovering on the edge of our family discussion. He came to stand next to me. “I’m so sorry. Do you need anything?” he asked my grandma.

  She gave him a small smile. “Thank you, Jeff. The only thing I need from you is to know you’re taking care of Aaron tonight. I need to know he’s okay.”

  He slid his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. “Yes, ma’am. I will. Don’t worry.”

  I didn’t care about our fight or that he might want to stop being my friend. I couldn’t sort it all out in my mind. All I wanted to do was lay my head on him and feel his warmth around me. Turning toward him, I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder. He snaked his arms around me, holding me tight while I breathed him in.

  Suddenly I realized he smelled of his regular body wash again, and strangely, the scent comforted me.

  “Are you ready?”

  “Yes,” I whispered, pulling away from his hug and wishing I didn’t have to. I looked at Pamela and saw she was asleep. “Tell her I love her, okay?”

  Grandma nodded and squeezed my hand.

  I walked toward Grandpa and he turned when he saw me. “This is Dr. Madrid. He works with the organ donation team. Did your grandma tell you about that?”

  I nodded, unable to say anything. Grandpa’s face looked puffy and I could tell he was completely drained, but he was taking care of what needed to be done.

  “Are you heading out?”

  “Grandma said she’ll call me tomorrow…well, I guess I mean later today.”

  “Good.” He wrapped me in a bear hug. “We’re going to be okay, Aaron. We’ll get through this together.”

  I choked back a sob and hugged him hard before pulling back, feeling somewhat lost about what to do next. Her death hadn’t even been on my radar. I thought she’d been healing well.